#18 | We moved and they want to move back
Jan 25, 2022Watch the webclass, "4-Part Roadmap to Encourage Adulting Actions."
Download, "The Quick Start Guide to STEAR Mapping"
RESOURCES
- Phil Stutz and Barry Michaels The Tools
- Linda and Richard Eyre: ValuesParenting.org: https://valuesparenting.com/
- LivesInTheBalance.org by Dr. Ross Greene
Today's topic is nostalgia, what to do when we've moved and they want to move back. Tough issue. So, what we want to remember, what we want to do is first understand that, given our brains, it makes perfect sense that they want some back. Our brains are always helping us to seek pleasure, conserve energy and stay safe. And the stay safe peace is especially applicable to our young adults with autistic brains; their brain is often fueled with fear. So taking the steps to acclimate to a new place is really filled with fear for them. And then they withdraw and they stay safe, and they don't create the connections to the new place. That will help them acclimate to the new way of living in this place. So it makes perfect sense that that's what's going on.
However, as Phil Stutz and Barry Michaels outlined very clearly in the book, The Tools and as we know, from our own experience in life, that growth really lies on the other side of fear. It's just that it's hard to get the motivation to go through the fear when your brain is on fire. So my suggestion is always to practice the connection skills that we build at the Art of Adulting and a particularly active form of listening versus the passive form.
The active form of listening is where we acknowledge their emotion by saying a sentence something like, I see you're sad, because you're missing your old friends and your old neighborhood. And then listen. We really truly listen to what they say because we need to understand the sentences that keep cycling in their brains that are keeping them stuck. The listening piece is the key for connection. The more we listen, the more connected we will be with our young adults. They will feel safe telling us what's happening inside of their brain. And so we need to practice this more than we ever practiced it before. Understand truly what are the sentences that are creating that fear that makes them want to not take any action? Hold back and stay safe?
We need to remind ourselves to stay in our lane. The role of a parent of an autistic young adult has three components. Our job is to encourage, to mourn and to be there when they want and need us. For them to consult with us. And ironically enough, I learned about those three roles from Linda and Richard Eyre, who are the authors of Teaching Your Children Responsibility. They're lovely. I learned that the British Monarchy actually has those three roles as well. When you think about it, it makes sense. They don't legislate action. They don't advocate to pass certain laws or anything. They are there for the Prime Minister and the Queen to come to them. And in their wisdom and experience, encourages them and warns them about what could be a problem. So, that's our role as parents of autistic young adults is to encourage, to warn and be consulted. Notice it doesn't say to solve the problem for them. Instead, what we want to do is recognize again, Ross Greene's list of Lagging Skills and Unsolved Problems. If you look at these, these are all the human struggles that we have. And they are actually targeted at the struggles that people with differently wired brains have. And you'll see how much difficulty handling transitions is one of the number two challenges for them and so it makes perfect sense. There have been lots written about the difficulty in transitioning when you have an autistic brain, so you know you're on the right track. This is not anything that we should panic about or be concerned about. It makes perfect sense.
So what we need to do next is, of course, apply the proactive problem solving process, and that's when we find the facts in the situation. We need to start in a place where we can agree on what's happening, and that's why finding the facts is so important. Then we need to understand their Steer Maps; that’s the empathy step. That's when we understand what thoughts and emotions are fueling their actions. And it makes perfect sense for them to be creating the result that they're creating in their current Steer Map. We need to understand what's going on; what it is that is causing them trouble. Maybe it's not connecting with people at school, maybe it's a new job and have a whole new set of rules to learn about. What is it that is getting in their way? And then we present our Steer Maps, which say, OK, well we're not going to move back. We are committed to being here. And right now we don't have an option for you to move back. So how can we support you so that we can make the situation work for you? And that's the fourth step, which is, what is one tiny thing that we can do? Okay, maybe someday, you'll be able to move on your own but for now, what are you gonna do today or tomorrow or the next day, to make this a little bit more acceptable place for you to live? So let's follow that proactive problem solving process with our autistic young adults and create a collaborative solution to what's happening right now.
Thank you for joining me today for this. I really do appreciate it. And I'm so hopeful that you will either watch my masterclass the Roadmap to Systemising Self Reliance with your autistic young adult or that you'll download the Eight Mistakes that Parents Make that I've made Systemising Self Reliance with our autistic young adults. Just know that I've made all these mistakes and I’ve done a lot of work to distill what has worked for us and what will work for you inside the Art of Adulting course, coaching and community. Please come and join me there so that I can coach you on whatever is coming up so that we together can understand better our own Steer Maps and the results we're creating. See if we can just shift that steering wheel a tiny bit. I will be honored to be your coach. Please join me there. Bye for now.
