#57 | They need more connections. Where do we start?
Apr 26, 2022Watch the webclass, "4-Part Roadmap to Encourage Adulting Actions."
Download, "The Quick Start Guide to STEAR Mapping"
RESOURCES:
- LISTEN UP OR LOSE OUT by Bob and Dot Bolton
- Decide to Reflect When Listening (phone wallpaper)
- The Inner Process of Reflecting (phone wallpaper)
0:51
Our autistic young adults engage at better connections with others to create a life A love that works, particularly.
1:03
Our autistic young adults need better connections with others to create a life they love that works, particularly in the workplace. Here's the most important skill we can encourage them to practice listening.
1:21
When we decide to listen to another person, it's because we are really interested in connecting with them. It's the number one tool. When you think about, it in any conversation half of the time, theoretically at least, we're supposed to be listening.
And so when we decide to reflect when we listen, we're letting the other person know that we hear them. And here's how, "It seems like you're angry because you're not getting what you need."
1:58
That's an example reflection that is took me maybe 15 words. But it's succinct so it shows the speaker that I understand what they're up against.
- It seems like when we start with that, we're letting them know that I'm not sure that I've got this right you know, a lot of trends, a lot of error can happen between what they think they want to say how it comes out, how I hear it and how I interpret it. So what we're saying is I think I got this right for please let me know if I got it.
- The second step is you feel... We need to make sure we connect with the other person's emotions, because emotions are what drives all our actions. And when we acknowledge what they're feeling, it says, "I see you," and when we see them they feel soothed, safe and secure in our connection. And that just makes their brain so much more relaxed and takes them out of that fight or flight limit response to their prefrontal cortex, where we can problem solve together.
- Because... a short recap of the situation, what the essence is of what they were really saying, because you didn't get you are getting what you need.
3:25
That's taking all the information that they gave us, all the truth that they shared with us what was true to them, and we put it together in a summary of the essence of their meaning, not a parrot of words, because that can come off sometimes as mocking.
3:46
And we don't want to do that. We want to encourage them to continue to share what they're thinking about. This process of reflective listening requires a lot of inside work.
- We have to take in what they're saying,
- Sort it out and
- Sum it up in a short succinct sentence.
Using that three step formula.
- It seems like or I'm hearing or I think I understand that something that's a tentative beginning
- You feel or you're angry or something that includes their emotion,
- Because you're not getting your meet needs.
That is generally a really good summary of what is happening when someone has a high need to share something with us.
Remember that emotion part? We don't have to nail their emotion. We can just say they're either comfortable or uncomfortable. We're not trying to be poets here. What we're trying to do is make sure that they feel seen, safe, and secure so that they will share with us.
So important for us to practice and so important for them to also learn and practice.
Please visit me at the at my website if you would like to know more about the Art of Adulting, the course, coaching and community that I offer to help us help our autistic young adults systemize adulting with us together.
Bye for now.
