#52 | Thinking of Leaving University

Apr 12, 2022

RESOURCES:

SEEING AUTISM by Barb Avila: https://www.lynncdavison.com/pl/2147533610

Hi! It's Lynn, your adulting coach. I help autistic young adults and their families systemize adulting together. Thank you for watching this video.

Today's struggle comes from the parents of adults with Asperger's. Our mom has a 21 year old son who is dropping out of university, though I'm optimistic that he's going to stick with it, but here's what's happening.

She says that she has a super bright son, who announced he is tendering his resignation at the university. She also indicates that he was offered mentors academic support for essays, but he was concerned that he didn't really wasn't going to be able to get along with people that were going to help him. And so our mom is is concerned about, is this the right thing? How could she help?

What ideas do we have for her? So I suggest that we use Barb Avila's process from her book SEEING AUTISM.

We first UNDERSTAND what's going on. What could be different from what and what could be different happening in our young, autistic young adults compared with someone who doesn't have an autistic brain?
Then we CONNECT with ourselves and with them, figuring out what the thoughts are that are in their heads.
And then finally figuring out what to PRACTICE to see what we can do to help the situation improve.

So he showed up she shared so many really good thoughts with us about what's happening with in his in his mind and that just shows that she is such a good listener. What a great skill she has been able to really listen to and understand what's happening inside of her young, autistic young adults mind.

He says that he doesn't feel like he complete can complete the course.
She reports that he said I feel like a fraud getting a place studying history.
He says if he struggles reading the required text, and in his resignation letter.
He says he is seeking weeks he's sought is seeking extensions, mitigating circumstances or he's had trouble completing and turning in essays.
He was offered support, but he was afraid that he wasn't going to get along with the individuals giving the support.
He also is warning that he might suffer a mentor another mental breakdown if he continues. Sounds like he had some kind of an episode in the past.
But now that he actually tendered his resignation.

Our mom reports that he met with people in the department and one of his professors was able to encourage him to see if you might not be able to just finish this semester. So it sounds like he's getting support from people that he likes because he's sounds relieved.

Maybe he'll be able to complete the archaeology component that he loves in the history degree.

So our mom already is reporting that he's making progress and he's making progress and she's noticing that he's making progress. It's also good because she's really well in tune with what's happening.

I'm always gonna suggest that we connect with ourselves and using the STEAR Map, where we take the situation which is out of our control what's happening and we've got lots of examples of thoughts from our autistic and adults.

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But, and some facts about what's happened. So the facts go here. But thoughts go in the top line, the emotions are going to be inspired by the thinking the actions are going to be flavored by the emotions and then the results that we create are going to be obviously a you know result of all of those the thoughts, emotions and actions, the E T, the way we brew our own tea. And these are the part of the Stairmaster that is under our control. So, she says and I love this, how she's connecting with herself and writing it down. This is a perfect way an example of a fight download from our mom, she's really just giving it all to us. And as the beauty of Facebook, where we share what what we believe is happening, and we really put it down in words and just that process of putting it down in words and being heard by the other parents. is So reinforcing that we are all together in this community doing this work together. As as we shouldn't be. We are not meant to do this work alone. So she's thinking now that it could be said that he actually did the smartest thing he could do under the circumstances. Because he called attention to his situation situation rather than failing slowly by himself, you know, somewhere in a corner. And I just think this is great for our mom to recognize and notice that he was brave enough to you know, go out there and say hey, I'm having a lot of trouble. And she reports that after talking to that one professor and seeing if maybe they can change the course load I'm not exactly sure how they resolve the situation. But it sounds like you know, she's optimistic that she thinks she's saying he who knows if he completes this year with support, he might feel able to complete that degree. So she's noticing that all these little victories that he's able to accomplish gives him more self confidence and that word confidence just means we have we have with trust contrary with trust, we have trust in ourselves that we can get what we want out of life and I just I love watching how this mom is, is processing this whole situation. And she's very wonderful about acknowledging everybody's suggestions and trying to give them all positive reinforcement for the help that they're offering. And so I'd like to suggest then, that our our mom practice not only practice more of what she's doing I just want to encourage her to do that. Because here's what one of the fellas that I was able to listen to at the executive function online summit last year was Dr. Joseph Lee. He's a psychiatrist in Los Angeles and

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speaking about executive functioning skills, he suggested that he wants to normalize the idea that people will always need help to be competent, that there is no shame in asking for help. And I just wonder sometimes if we did put that if we did, you know, input some of the things that are happening with our autistic young adults in the stigma, that sometimes they do operate from shame when they ask for help. And I've seen that in my own home with people you know, with the autistic people that I love, where the help and the support was right there and they just didn't take advantage of it. And they have a hard time with, you know, arranging the thoughts and they get the emotions of if they're willing to take the risk of asking for help. And I just really believe that this is a core core idea that we have to address with our autistic young adults. And I appreciate Joseph Lee for bringing that up, in that many people are afraid or ashamed, ask for the help that they need and we all need it whether we have an autistic brain or we don't have an autistic brain, we all need help. So as she is listening, and reflecting back to her autistic young adult, I just want to compliment her again on how that is helping him feel seen safe, soothed and secure in the world. This comes from the power of showing up by Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Dan Siegel and Tina Paine Bryson where this kind of action that we take of really listening to what's going on with our with our loved ones really helps them trust our relationship. And then if we can help them do that, perhaps they will also pause in listening to themselves, building trust in themselves that they do know the answers and that they can take action with confidence. So that's why anytime we get an opportunity, we definitely want to reflect when we listen. And it's just a three part formula where we say it seems like the reason why we start with it seems like it's because we just don't want to act like we automatically know what they're thinking. We can't, we can never know another person's thoughts unless they share them with us. So we really want to be careful and say that, you know, I think I'm seeing or it appears like or you seem to be a tentative introduction that suggests that we're trying to do our best to really understand what's going on. And then you feel we need to put that emotion piece in there and we don't have to be poets we can get just to the uncomfortable, uncomfortable you seem uncomfortable about and that's the third part because a short recap of the situation because you don't feel like you're doing well. In your course.

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At the university, it seems like you're upset because you're not doing well. In your you don't feel like you're doing well in your course at the university. That reflection says I'm doing my best to understand what's happening with you. And notice that it's not a simple process to do this reflecting that we really have to take in what they're telling us sorted out inside of our heads and sum it up. And that's why this isn't so easy to do for our autistic and adults but if they could learn when they learn this, it will be so impactful in all of their relationships, including the work relationships that they have, that if they can help this is actually the the reciprocity piece, the listening piece. You know, our kids sometimes worry so much about what to say. The answer is you listen well enough so that you just reflect back what the other person said. So the pressure is off of them to figure out what to say it and it's hopefully going to the you know really listening, that energy is going to really listening to the other person because that's going to take some practice I mean, processing speeds are not art pink can play he can go and come into play here. It can be hard for somebody to dumb it up in a quick reflection because that's just not how their brain works. So we have to just, I just really want us to help our autistic young adults, practice that summary stuff, and then say it back to simply in our words, not parroting what the other person said. That can sometimes feel like we're mocking and we don't want to ever do that. So if we can rephrase it and capsulize it for them, it says I hear you, I hear you and that's why this inner process of reflective listening is really worthwhile to instruct on a piece by piece basis if we can possibly get our autistic young adults to take this reflective listening process in because they'll use it in the collaborative, proactive problem solving process that Ross green advocates on his blog, lives in the balance.org it's let's look at the situation factor. That's your math the situation that the part that is not in our control. Let's just talk about the facts first. Then the next step is what is your steer math. The other person's do your math. That's the empathy step. We want to understand where they're coming from, then to make sure that it's a balanced interaction. We want to share ours to your map. And because we've started that, we're the ones that that have initiated the conversation. We have done our homework and we know what our sphere map is. We can say it in a succinct way so that we don't dominate the conversation with explanations of all the ways that you know this is impacting us. We want to adhere to the rule of 5050 where 50% of the time we're talking and 50% of the time we're listening in our collaborative problem solving process so that we can agree then together on what's the next thing we're willing to try. It doesn't have to be the end all be all solution. Let's just do an experiment to see what could possibly work in this situation while we're working together. And this is what again, going back to Dr. Joseph Lee, is that once our children at the university level once they're out of high school, and they're creating their life, just how they want it to be we need to give them it needs to be collaborative. And this is you know, these are the things they need. They need timely help, they need supportive environment. They need an abundance of resources and they need the removal of barriers. And I think he just nailed exactly what our autistic young adults need at that conference. And I encourage you to attend to what's coming up in 2022. And to just

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summarize this whole struggle of I wanted to quote well wanted to show you the quote that was in my day and calendar today from Gary John Bishop from on yourself. He said that growth real seismic growth hurts sometimes a lot. And and I know that's what we're seeing with our autistic young adults, especially this one who's struggling in university and it's it's hard to watch that and yet it is so necessary for them to develop those skills that we want them to have so that they can adult then they're aware of their thoughts, their emotions and their actions and they're brewing their tea, just the way intentionally so that they get the result that they want in life and that they grow their confidence, their trust in themselves that they can create a life they love. That works. Really love this topic I think you can tell and I hope you'll join me at the art of adulting and on Facebook if you're not already there, and visit me at my website www you have to put that in front. Not because I haven't figured out the tech so that I don't have to have that so it's www. Let me just add that right here. Then C as in coach davison.com And if you want to learn more about the art of adulting right to the Welcome page. I really appreciate you watching this video. Bye for now.

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Yeah

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

#52 | Thinking of Leaving University

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