#77 | Self-Advocacy is the #1 Skill to Teach and Practice According to Emily Kircher-Morris. Here's recap of Emily's 12 GREAT Ideas on how to encourage it.

Register here to watch "4-Part Roadmap to Encourage Adulting Actions."

Download, "8 Common Mistakes Parents Make When Systemizing Self-Reliance With Your Autistic Young Adult."

Download, "The Quick Start Guide to STEAR Mapping"

RESOURCES

Emily Kircher-Morris Raising Twice Exceptional Children: Handbook for Parents of Neurodivergent Gifted Kids

Emily Kircher-Morris  Neurodiversity Podcast

LivesInTheBalance.org by Dr. Ross Greene

Hi there, Emily Kircher-Morris says the number one skill to encourage out autistic high school graduates to practice is self advocacy. She's a mental health counselor and author of two books including Raising Twice Exceptional Children: Handbook for Parents of Neurodivergent Gifted Kids. And a podcast host of the Neurodiversity Podcast. Here are her 12 Great ideas to help us encourage self advocacy.

#1 When we teach how to advocate for accommodations, our young adults are more likely to do it. And so we need to give them a formula. More about that in just a minute. But once they practice that formula over and over again, they're going to be able to do it so much better when they're more on the spot and a little less anxious to be assertive.

#2 What we want to do, and here's the formula, is we want to name our strengths and our struggles plus what helps. So here's an example. "Part of my brain is quite anxious. And I find that that helps me notice a lot of things that other people overlook. It also can cause paralysis when I'm faced with a task that I've never faced before. So what really helps me is a heads-up on anything new or novel at work so that I can  be more comfortable addressing that challenge.

• We started with the strength.
• We moved on to what the struggle can be and
• what helps

Notice that I didn't reveal any diagnosis. I'm not even sure that those are useful in most situations. I mean, diagnoses are very helpful when we're dealing with the healthcare system, and it can also be a shortcut for explaining what's going on if we don't have a lot of time. But overall, I think it's much better if we describe what's happening and what can help so that we're both better informed about what it is that needs to be accommodated.

#3 So where do we start? She argues that we start with what is most noticeable; makes sense to me. If you notice that I am, for example, using a twiddler in my fingers, or, you know, rocking back and forth or tapping my foot. Those can be stims which help to calm us inside. So maybe those need an explanation.

• You'll notice that from time to time I am fidgeting. I am doodling while you're speaking or I am moving, rocking kind of slowly back and forth.
• Those are actions I take to help calm myself inside.
• Because sometimes parts of my brain can be very anxious.
• So it helps me to know that you understand what's happening, and you're not bothered by it.

That could be you know, another way to start with what's most noticeable and explain you know how that helps. And at the same time, there's the other side of it, which you know, I can worry about how you're gonna react to it. But together if we can accommodate the fact that that is a useful skill for me. It's a great compensatory strategy, please let me know, tell me what your reaction is. And so that we're on  the same page.

#4 Here's where we figure out what's most noticeable. We ask rather than assume that we know what is most important to our autistic high school graduates. It's always best to ask first, what they think because who's going to implement a solution? Our autistic high school student is going to implement the solution. It's much more likely to be implemented. If it's their solution, if it's their solution to a problem that is most important to them.

#5 That's why we need to discover and we discover it through listening. But we can start the conversation by saying I noticed that you haven't left your room for anything other than going to the bathroom or taking a shower or getting food out of the refrigerator in five days. And that's where we state the facts and then we stop.

We could say, "I'm uncomfortable. And I miss you." There's another statement that tells him where we're coming from.

And then we listen. I prefer the method of doing reflective listening technique where we first capture their emotion. Sometimes all we need to say is whether we've noticed that they're comfortable or uncomfortable so it doesn't have to be you know, a poets' specificity. Sometimes what gets the process starting is just noticing whether we are uncomfortable or not or comfortable.

Then we reflect what they said as a statement, a short statement. The whole reflection should be less than 15 words. Because what we're trying to do is restate what we're saying. Not just parrot their words, because sometimes that can make them feel like we are making fun of them, which is not at all our intention. So if we say you seem uncomfortable because you're just you've had an awkward conversation or at work or with a family member. They trust us to state what it is that they're uncomfortable with.

Then we solve the problem using the Collaborative Proactive Solutions process presented by Dr. Ross Greene at his website livesinthebalance.org

1. we start out with the facts.
2. We listened to their perspective first.
3. Then we share ours very succinctly because we know that they that their brain has limited bandwidth for listening.
4. And then we come to the solution together.

#6 And the solution is always to use the scientific method.

1. That's where we put out a hypothesis.
2. We agree to test.
3. We implement the test, and
4. then we review the results.

So an example would be I think that it might be helpful if I were to cue you at the dinner table if I see your resting your head on your chin and my cue is going to be you know, tapping my cheek My hypothesis is that you need a cue. My suggestion my experiment is I'm just going to tap my cheek and you're going to say is that all right or not. We’re going to agree together as to whether or not that's a solution that works for them. And then we go do the experiment. We see if it does indeed work or not.

And we trust that scientific process over and over again to discover what works for our artistic high school graduate. Because there isn't a magic wand that we can waive or rulebook that we can read that is going to solve their problems. They create the best solutions for the problems that they care most about. And they do something about that. That's what need to keep in mind

#7 Where are we in the Goldilocks process of trying to decide whether or not we are enabling or accommodating? Okay, enabling is doing it for them. Accommodating is helping them design solutions that they implement. Makes sense? It's kind of a pretty clear line between the two. If we're doing it, we're enabling. If they're doing it, they implement it.

But still there's that middle part where we scaffold. We put supports in place in the form of cues in the form of you know, whatever we do. Physical, like putting something, a sticky note on the mirror, the note in the phone, the alarm on the phone, whatever it is that we decide is the best thing to implement. And then we go forward seeing whether or not that's the kind of work.

If those work for a while and practice it over and over again, we can start experimenting with removing that scaffolding. We don't want to do this too quickly. Our artistic high school graduates made a lot of repetition before they will adopt a new behavior as part of their normal way of being.

Frankly, all of us need a lot of repetition before we adopt a new way of being. Why are there so many New Year's resolutions about whether or not we're going to exercise? It's because adopting that behavior change is hard. It takes time. It takes repetition. It takes really being committed to ourselves to make that change.

If we notice ourselves struggling with change, it's so much easier for us to have compassion for our autistic young adults who are being asked to change.

#8 This is the one that I think is really good. If we start naming our brain and we look at it in parts, then we can speak to those parts as if they were a young child with compassion. And most of the things that come up fall into two categories. I'm not good enough, or something wrong is happening in my world.

And so if we say okay, there's a part of my brain worries that I'm not good enough. Let me talk to that part of my brain as if it were a young child with compassion, saying, "I get it. I understand that you're worried that you're not good enough. You're not a good enough. Mom. You're not good enoughfriend. Boyfriend. All the various roles that we have in our lives. Tell me about that. What's going on with that?

When you remember yourself feeling that way a long time ago. Let's figure out what were some of the thoughts and let's tease those out and see if we can't look at them and say okay, now that we're where we are now, what what might be helpful to that young child if we could offer them something that they might consider thinking instead. It's a fascinating way to separate out what's going on with our brain, to slow things down and really find out what solutions work best for us; what thoughts really do work to produce the results we want.

#9 The ninth concept that Emily  suggests is that people are only disabled if they aren't accommodated.

Yeah, I have a very good friend that I've known since she was very young, since she was a baby who is deaf and it would be completely ridiculous for me to just speak to her without accommodating her deafness. I'm not a signer. But I certainly know where honor is. And so often I can just speak into my phone and hand it to her and it's right there. So I'm accommodating her deafness.She's accommodating the fact that I don't have the skill to sign. So it's really a two way street. And that's why when we ask for accommodations in the world, especially in the work world, it's appropriate for us to think of it as accommodating both parties.

"I have a brain that is autistic and part of it is worried often and so that's how that shows up. It's a good thing because I'm a very conscious worker. And it shows up sometimes when I'm put in a situation that I didn't know what's gonna happen. So it's really helpful to me, if you tell me about it.

So now I'm asking for an accommodation and I'm also telling her or him or they what they can do because they didn't have the skill of how to accommodate me before. Now they have the skill, at least a piece of a part of a skill that can help them get the best from me, as somebody who really wants to be employed by them and do the very best job we can.

So it's a two way street. And we need to just recognize that when we don't accommodate, that's when something disabling occurs. That's when we don't notice what works and make it happen. Of course then, if it's not happening, then we don't get the result we want. People are only disabled if they aren't accommodated and it's a two way street.

#10 The 10th great idea she explains in her podcasts, in her book and in her interview with Seth Perler at the Executive Functioning Online Summit, is that when we scaffold and provide lots of practice, then slowly remove that scaffolding. Now we're transferring responsibility to our autistic high school graduate and that is a process can e take years, and it could take months.

So let's pick the one thing that our autistic and adults are most interested in, figure out what scaffolding may need and then together, figure out whether or not it's working. And if it's working, practice it. Then together decide which parts of the scaffolding can be removed. And then try that. And maybe it needs to be put back in. But we're doing it together, which builds connection. And that's certainly what we want to do because we really do love our autistic young adults all the way down with their toenails.

#11 Emily suggest also that one of the biggest struggles that she's noticed with her clients and in her own family because she's also a mom of three that mapping time visually in blocks is so helpful. So in the Art of Adulting when I work one on one with a client, we use the Google Calendar and we start to map out what  their masterpiece day is going to look like chunk by chunk, and that way they can kind of see, "Oh, this is how I'm investing my time."

The one thing that is finite, (money is not finite, you can always make more money), but time is finite. So I want to be just as careful with the way that I invest that. And so I am with the way that I invest my money and visually makes the biggest difference she's found with her clients. That Google Calendar is a really good place to start doing that in time locks.

#12 Her final suggestion is that we have straightforward talks about uncomfortable topics. Because the topic is there, whether we acknowledge it or not, and it's always better to sit down and use that Collaborative Proactive Solutions process where

• we find the facts that we can agree on,
• and then hear what one person's thinking, feeling and actions are and what that's creating.
• And then share what ours are. I call it STEAR Mapping. The situation is always outside of our contro l(those are the facts), the thoughts, the emotions, the actions are all in our control, and they produce the results and they always tie back to our thinking.  There's space here between our thoughts and our between the situation and our thoughts. That's where we have the freedom and the power to decide how we want to think because our thoughts are going to flavor our emotions and our actions and create our results. They're always tied back to our results.

So having straightforward conversations where we state the facts, and we listen using that therapeutic silence to really listen and hear and reflect back what they're saying. Then we share our STEAR map, which gives them a perspective that they need to consider. And boy is that something that we can practice is perspective taking (all of us can practice that more). Because there's 1000 ways to think about all these millions of ways probably billions of ways to think about any given set of facts.

And we want to share what ours are so that the two of us together can knit together an experiment that we're willing to try.

I think she's really got it when she summarized what we need to consider because all of the actions all of these 12 actions is helping our autistic young adults self advocate. They're finding the words to describe what goes on inside their brain, and what helps and what we can all do together to create the solutions that work best for them. She's nailed it.

And I look forward to interviewing her this Friday at 11 o'clock, June 10, 2022.

If you're watching this past that date, you'll notice that there is a video of her conversation with me right next to this one on our blog page.

To find Emily, you can go to her website.

To find that video, or this video and the others of the other one of our conversation this Friday. You can go to my blog at LynnCDavison.com/blog.

I so look forward to implementing as many of these suggestions as I can with my own family.

Bye for now.