#79 | Repetitive Thoughts Create Chronic Complaints. Now What?
Jun 13, 2022Register here to watch "4-Part Roadmap to Encourage Adulting Actions."
Download, "The Quick Start Guide to STEAR Mapping"
RESOURCES
Autism Discussion Facebook Page developed by Bill Nason
LivesInTheBalance.org by Dr. Ross Greene
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey
Hi everyone, this is Lynn. How do you like my new virtual background? Today's video is from one of our moms at the Art of Adulting. And she asked for help with repetitive thoughts that are creating chronic complaints in her autistic young adult. And, you know, we've all seen this happen in our households and so now what do we do? The first thing I want to mention is just a little warning. Here's what happens that is identified so much by Bill Nason, who is a wonderful author behind the autism discussion page on the core challenges of autism. This is a book that I bought but it's a page on Facebook where he shares a ton of information. He's just marvelous, has just retired, but spent 30 years serving the Autistic community and the families of autistic people. And he's just done a fantastic job.
So he warns us that we identify what we don't like or what we desire before we evaluate what they need and what they desire. Well, there's a humbling comment. I know that's true in my case, so I'm pretty sure that we all can identify with this sentiment, like we're ready to be done with the struggle. But here's what we need to recognize, is that our autistic young adults are definitely caught up in the motivational triad, just like the rest of us with human brains. They are going to, by default, seek pleasure and gratification, avoid pain, they're going to stay safe, and they're going to want to conserve their energy, minimizing their effort. That's what that looks like. And so probably is that our autistic young adult in this case is just complaining about something that's interfering with a motivational triad. So it's helpful to understand where they're coming from. Just keeping that in the back of our mind helps me get more patient when I'm trying to solve a problem with my autistic adults. So I'm going to take you right into the reflective listening skill that we need to practice here.
We need to make sure that we visually create a sentence when they are saying words like this, “it seems like you're upset because your needs are not being met”. Now the because would become a little more specific in this mom’s case. But when we hear that complaint again, we want to make sure that we show them we see the emotion that's happening inside of them and why; the content. Because that way they feel safe and secure and soothed in our presence so that they'll be secure that we're the person to come to to help them problem solve whatever struggle they're having in their life. That's what this reflective rule does. This is why we need to practice this skill.
Now it's not easy, because we have to take in the information and we have to sort it out. We have to sum it up. And we have to say it back succinctly in our own words so it doesn’t come off as mocking. We want to make sure that we say in a succinct sentence in 15 words or less what's going on starting with” I think it seems like” because we want to make sure that they understand that we're doing our best to understand what's going on with them, and their thought process, and that those thoughts are creating feelings in their bodies which are creating emotions. And it's being triggered by this situation which is being perceived out of their control. So we really want to make sure that we let them know that we're doing our very best to hear and understand what the thinking is.
So you'll notice too, that we ended up using a declarative sentence. It's a sentence that describes what's going on. It's a statement. It's not a question because a question can trigger the persistent demand avoidance, which sometimes I nickname adulting avoidance, because those questions can put our kids in that middle Brain Zone where they're afraid to answer or they don't want to make a decision or the whole problem is just too big. And it sends their brain into high alert, which takes the prefrontal cortex offline, so they're not good at solving a problem. So that's why we want to use declarative language. Declarative language is our preferred tool. And we really need to shift the amount of time we use a question. We can minimize the questioning and maximize the declarative point which our connections with our young adults will be easier to make. So a declarative language piece can look like a statement. Commenting or describing a comment might be “that's the fourth time you've raised this concern”. “That's the third comment in the last two days. IIt seems like it really bothers you.” The emotion could be an interesting observation to share. Praise could be “I really appreciate it when you share your thinking with me. That way we can really understand each other better and figure out what to do next.” “Thinking aloud and problem solving together is another way. Wow. I wonder if it would make sense for us to write down some of the thoughts you have around that. Let's try it.”
So using the declarative language tool. This is suggested by a speech and language pathologist and I'll send you the link in the notes so you can read this article that really explains why this is going to help our kids develop language and develop their executive functioning skills. So this is why reflective listening helps our young adults feel seen, safe, soothed and secure, that we're the right coach for them, so that they will come to us to help them solve their problems. We really want that to happen. Because we know for sure that we have their best interests at heart. We know that they know that the handful of people that they can come to are really going to think through this the best for my loved one.
So here's what we're trying to do is help our young adult realize that we drive our thoughts OR our thoughts drive us. Once we really listened enough (and I don't know what enough you'll sense it) is now the time to problem solve? Have I heard enough of it? Can we get some of these thoughts down? Record them in some ways so that we can separate ourselves from them? You know, is this the right time? We'll figure that out. But the bottom line is we either drive our thoughts or they drive us.
So that's when we bring in the STEAR map. That's when we say “I've heard you shared your concerns (about whatever the topic is) five times in the last few days. Tell me what you're thinking about it”. And that's when we really listen. And then okay, we've tried to say is now a good time to start sorting this out to see if we can make some sense of what's going on for you. That's the sort of Stear map into the sorting process. We aren't deciding anything, we're just sorting things out. Discovering together what's going on and what is creating the result they're currently experiencing in their lives.
Then we move on to a collaborative proactive problem solving process by Ross Green, where we agree on the number of times that this has come up. We hear their Stear map and because we've really worked on this together we know that that's what's going on for them. And we are now sharing our Stear map. This is where we encourage the perspective taking and you've told me your story. Now it's time and I've listened, listened, listened. Now here's my story. But we keep our story very short, because we know that there's only so much patience for that topic. So we want to prepare this in advance and keep it very short. And then we find the next steps together using the scientific method. Okay, here's here's what's happening. Here's the data or maybe we don't even know the data yet. So should we go collect some data and figure out when is it that this comes up? And then we can maybe figure out what's behind it with the root causes? Let's do that step and then we can start forming a hypothesis by I think, this is why that's happening. I think this might help. Then we conduct an experiment and see what works and what doesn't work and then we debrief better, another time. Golden process, what is the next step that you'll be able to take next week? Because we're trying to learn.
Stephen Covey wrote this lovely book. It's from the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People and he was directing himself more toward businesses, but I think it applies equally to families, that the more genuine the involvement is, and the more sincere and sustained the participation in analyzing and solving our problems together, the greater the release of everyone's creativity, and their commitment to what they create. Because we are moving into the territory where we no longer can help them solve their problems. Now they're moving into their life where their problems are going to be defined by them. What they want to create is no longer defined by a school, it's now defined by them. And that's going to make it more scary and more different, quite a bit different from what they've been used to doing. And that's why we need to help them with this at this time.
So those are my best thoughts for you. And I really hope that they help you and your autistic high school graduate create a life that you both love. If you'd like a summary of this video, please visit me at my website/blog. Bye for now.
