#15 | Not Good Enough
Jan 25, 2022Watch the webclass, "4-Part Roadmap to Encourage Adulting Actions."
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Today, the topic that I'd like to discuss is when our autistic young adults think that we’re not good enough. I see this. I've done this myself. I've seen this in my own children, my own young adults. I just saw it yesterday on a Facebook page that supports parents who have autistic children who are 13 plus. “We think we just aren't good enough”. And let's figure out what that's all about.
First idea I'd like to offer you is that it's innate. It's just the way our brain works. Our brain is constantly scanning the universe for what has gone wrong. What have I done wrong? What is not happening in my life? What are my children doing wrong? It's part of the way that our brain was designed. Our brain pretty much just looks for safety and avoiding pain. Conservation; conserving our energy and exerting the least amount of effort. And the third thing is finding pleasure. And so it's those three things that kept us alive. That’s what made us who we are today, and that’s the way that our brain developed to keep us and our species continuing. That's okay.
When you think about it, 80% of the thoughts that we have are negative or protective and have really inspired some of the biggest innovations that we've ever come up with as humans. If we weren't dissatisfied with living in a cave, we'd still be there. Instead, we have these wonderfully insulated homes, we have lighting so that we can see during the night time so we’re not hampered by having to start fire and not actually breathing smoke all the time, which shortens our lives. I mean, there's just a number of dissatisfied opportunities. Noticing dissatisfaction has just spurred all kinds of good progress as human beings. But what happens when we turn it inward?
The truth is, I think that we all worry that something is wrong with us. In fact, Brene Brown, a researcher says that only sociopaths never question their value. So when we hear autistic adults saying, “I'm not good enough” or when we sometimes say to ourselves, “what we've done isn't good enough”, just know that that's sort of a natural human tendency.
I would just like to suggest that we add one word: “I'm not good enough maybe”. Just adding that one word to that thought opens up all kinds of other possible ways to feel and look at the world. And so just that word maybe. I believe we're all good enough because even though we're always comparing ourselves, our value, in fact, never changes. I mean, we compare our looks, we compare our progress in school, our progress of work, the amount of money we have, how popular we are, the mistakes that we've made to others. But those have nothing to do with our value as human beings. Our value is innate. In fact, nothing we do, or don't do, changes our value.
One of the most inspiring ways to look at this topic of just innate value are the folks that argue that people on death row should not die. They look at all the evidence and they do what they can to figure out a way to exonerate people from these crimes they may or may not have committed. But the bottom line there is that we are not defined by our worst actions. That's just a miniscule part of who we are. The whole of who we are is what our soul is all about.
In the Art of Adulting we identify what our essence is. Our essence even doesn't define our value, but it's how we express it. The bottom line is that we're born worthy. So if we took this $20 bill, and we crumpled it up, and we stomped on it and we took it out in the snow today, or we rubbed it on the sand, would the value of that $20 bill change? No. It would always be worth 20 bucks. And sometimes I like to picture this $20 bill in my head whenever I'm questioning whether I'm worthy or not.
So, let's just recognize that sometimes our brain offers us these thoughts. “If someone likes me, I'm more likeable”. That makes no sense. No one else determines how likable we are. On the flip side, “if someone dislikes me, then I must not be likable”? No. That just says something about the other person's inability; it says something about their thinking. It says something about their inability to see the positive qualities that I bring. It says nothing about who we are innately. In fact, I really love Byron Katie, and all of her work. A quote that I think is particularly valuable at this time. “you don't have to like me, that's my job”. I have to like the way that I'm showing up. I have to like my essence. I have to be who I am and judge my own actions. That's my job. Not your job. In fact, I'm gonna let you be wrong about me if you don't like me.
I was watching The Bachelor last night and one of the women in the house was going after the other one and saying nasty things and reporting them to the bachelor. It just reminded me of how we look externally for that validation. And, while I get it that we like to be validated by family members, whether they like me or not really does not determine my value at all. And instead, it's really my responsibility to cultivate that kind voice in my head. That “I'm not good enough maybe” voice, giving myself the compassion that I need so that I can then practice it; it will become more automatic and then extend it to everyone else that I love.
The best way that I know to respond to my autistic adults, when they're expressing doubts about their value, their future, their abilities, is taking a walk where you're side by side instead of looking at each other. I can’t recommend this highly enough. Walk side by side, and just listen to what they say. Make sure that if you can, you reflect back to them the essence of what they're saying; the nugget like the emotion. Just say ”I see fear” and they will keep talking. And when there is a pause in the conversation as is inevitable, say to yourself “they are thinking” and keep breathing. Don't try to fill that void, let them fit, give them the space. Hold that space for them to think. And then it's amazing…something else comes out and it's like, wow, I can just see how they're thinking. And then when you reflect again, maybe just the emotion again. I see shame. This happened yesterday. All I had to do was say “I see shame”. And then more and more came out; more of the thinking came. And then as our walk got longer and longer we started to reflect not only the emotion but also the content of what they were saying. So you're not able to study because you keep falling asleep because your energy levels are low because you haven't been sleeping well. Yes.
That's what we want to do for our young adults, is just give them space. Give them a safe space to think out loud. This is the first step. This is not coaching. This is not talking about the Steer Map, the thoughts and the emotions, the actions, the results and pulling the thinking part. This is just listening. It’s the number one skill to cultivate the connection with our autistic autistic young adults so that they can create a life they love that works.
Please download my best thoughts on the Eight Common Mistakes that parents make while systemising self reliance with their autistic young adults. And come and watch my webinar The Four Part Roadmap to Systemising Self Reliance with Your Autistic Young Adult. It's really truly my best thinking after parenting our autistic young adults for more than 20 years. And I believe that it can be incredibly helpful to you and it's free. And if you don't want to get my emails you can always unsubscribe, but know that I do my very best to send to you emails that I think will be helpful on this journey to really unconditionally love our autistic young adults and connect with them. So that we both create a life we love that works. Bye for now.
