#3 | 3 Stages of Belief - Stage 3: Inevitability
Oct 20, 2021Watch the webclass, "4-Part Roadmap to Encourage Adulting Actions."
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Hi, it's Lynn, your adulting coach.
I want to take a minute to offer you a thought before we dive into inevitability because it could make all the difference.
What if it were easier than we expect?
Let's think about that. When we think it's going to be hard to help our young adults systemize independence, how does that feel? Kind of heavy.
If it were totally easier how would we feel? Here's when we talk about moving from impossibility to possibility. We say, "God, it's going to be so hard." That's always our default thought. It's going to be so hard.
But it really can be easier than we think. And we can use that thought, "It will be easier than I think," to get a lot of things done.
Here's an example. Tim Ferriss is an entrepreneur, host of the number one business podcast on iTunes and author of The Four Hour Workweek, Body and Chef, he asks us to consider in episode number 175, How to Cage the Monkey Mind, "What would this look like if it were dead simple?"
That's the question he asks himself when he goes about his day making money and doing his work. When he's interacting with the world. He's asking himself, what if it were easy? What if it were simple? What would that look like?
What if we hold that belief the whole time? "This is way easier than I expected." The results we get at the end are very different from the ones the person who says, "Oh, my god, it's so overwhelming. It's so hard."
We think that we're telling the truth. When we say something is easy or hard, but it's totally our opinion. And we can change it. We can change our thoughts. We can decide that something is easy.
My daughter and I decided ahead of time that her wedding to Ed was going to be easy. We decided that together.
We hired the first photographer she picked. We went dress shopping in two stores, and she chose her dress at the at the second store in about 30 minutes.
She chose the venue and picked Sunday brunch to save money and eliminate the bar because it didn't fit the two of them.
We interviewed two florists and pick the one that connected with us and was half the price of the fancy one.
We baked cookies and she decorated them for favors. They were delicious, and we had so much fun creating them together.
The wedding was just what we'd hoped for: full of love, family and friends.
It can actually be easy. All the drama is unnecessary. It really is. We just had fun and made it easy. Other say wedding planning is stressful and that was so much money and make sure this and do that and it takes so many hours. We decided no, we're not going to do that. It's everybody's thoughts really, truly. And so is Systemising self reliance. It can be hard and impossible but those are thoughts we can change them. Okay, so I want to start this video with a clear example of how the three stages of belief apply to you and your autistic young adults. Here's the simple formula. Dreams plus self talk plus actions, plus people in dreams we divided life into 10 domains and decide what we wanted each. We get clear simplification always helps. In self talk. We journal to improve our mental and physical health with 10 forms. We can solve any problem journaling and reflecting our thoughts because the problem is always our thoughts and actions. We decide in advance to commit to doing our fundamental actions, what we do even when we're sick, and our level up actions. We track how well we do each action weekly. It's a simple spreadsheet in people we practice partnering, because no one succeeds alone. We identify the actions we need to practice, then we improve our relationships. The first partnering action is reflective listening period.
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So we're going to use partnering actions the core of the people module, as an example because it was where I needed to learn to practice most when I started this process with our son. They say we teach what we most need to learn. And in my case, I had a lot to learn. So I'm going to walk you through it but before we dive in, I want to let you know that this process has no timeframe on it. I've seen families master it in a matter of weeks in a month, a few months. It took me over a year and I still need to remind myself to practice reflective listening, especially when I'm triggered. Everyone learns at their own pace. But I've also seen families do it in six weeks, six months a year. Who cares? We are committed to this result. So the core skill is reflective listening when our young adult is triggered. We say some variation of you seem uncomfortable mobile because whatever triggered them and then we stop talking. The hardest part is to breathe in through the nose. Close the mouth. Really still our minds and listen. We reflect their emotion and thoughts as many times as it takes until they feel seen. You'll know when they feel seen because they will exhale and relax a bit. We can't give any suggestions advice or thinly veiled criticism. I mean, you know what I mean? When we really listen, our young adults feel seen safe and smooth. Then they can start problem solving. We say I wonder what you want to do. We think they're gonna figure this out. We watch our thoughts and don't say a thing. We hold space for them to figure out what they want to do next. That's when they start becoming self reliant. We don't get stuck and impossibility and the confusion that comes with the impossible stage of belief. Because we recognize it through noticing our thoughts and helping them notice theirs. We start steering our minds. When we slow down, notice our thoughts and how often we stay in each stage and how much action we take. We move from possibility to inevitability. It's nothing outside of us. It's all inside. And even if something did happen outside of us that those of you who might want to argue with me, who cares it doesn't serve you to think that at all. I mean, it just doesn't serve you. Several of my young adults in the art of adulting are just consistently doing it. They are on their way. Nothing blocks them. Sure they struggle and we look at their thoughts together, but they don't stop until they figure out their next steps. So I asked others who are struggling. What's the difference between you and them? And one of my young adults so honestly said, well, they don't have my brain. I agree. I mean that is a fact they don't have your brain. But it really doesn't serve you to think that it doesn't serve you to think that other people have special circumstances that help them succeed. It blocks you don't do it. Okay, so let's use another example that everyone here can relate to. We're going to talk about lagging skills and unsolved problems, a term coined by Dr. Ross green. We all have them. We parents notice our young adults lagging skills and unsolved problems when they say, Mom expect us to take care of things. You might be at the phase right now where you are often asking yourself, How do I get them to solve their own problems? Asking this question indicates to me that you really don't believe it's possible for them to do it. Because you don't even think that you know how, because you're asking how do I get them to do it? Here's an insight, looking for your young adult to solve their own problems when you actually don't believe they can do it. is like looking for a cat outside blindfolded. Basically, it will never happen. You will never find the cat outside in the world if you're blindfolded. So let's just say you're thinking about helping them create their life. And if you're super honest with yourself, you will admit it feels impossible. So now because you were super honest and aware, we know what stage of belief you're in.
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Good to know. Now you go to work to just start thinking about it being possible, because you're now not resisting it. You're out of impossibility. You're opening up to it. Because you recognize it's part of the stages of belief. It's the first stage. So you recognize it as almost that Hey, I recognize that I don't believe I've mastered the first step. Here we are. So let's go to work. To start thinking about it being possible. It could be possible to help them systemize self reliance, it is possible. I'm sure other people do it. When you're in the art of adulting. You will see families do it all the time. And then you just spend time thinking about how it will feel to watch your young adult create their life and how it feels that it is possible. For me just the idea that it's impossible that I can help other families this year feels so freakin blow my mind exciting. Just the possibility of it is so much fun. I feel a twinge of excitement in my body. Just that the idea of it. And maybe again, maybe you're in the art of adulting and you watch a coaching call and the parents describe the progress their young adult has made because you're in your possibility state you think okay, if they can do it, it really is possible. And we could do it and it fuels you a little more. Right now you're in the part of possibility of maybe even where you recognize it's possible for other people, and that's okay. If you're in possibility you're seeing Oh, my gosh, so many people can help their young, autistic young adult system myself realize, even if you're not quite there, that you could be one of them. Just seeing the possibility is the first step. And now you know you're not there. This is how you know is if you see other families helping their young adults become self reliant, and it totally shuts you down. And you go into compare and despair. That's because you're in impossibility for your family. But the more possible it starts to seem for your family the more excited you will get when other families succeed because you will realize it's evidence for your possibility to succeed. But you don't have to move immediately into it's possible for you right this second. Remember, you're just gathering possibility in your mind and just want to keep it light and fun and playful and energizing. So you started thinking about it a little bit more each day, it being possible. And then you start negotiating the possibility with yourself, talking yourself into it here and there. Just like you know, just like we do when we want to buy a pair of shoes or something online that we just have to own. We start saying things like it's possible that we could help our autistic young adult system systematize self reliance, and here's why. Coming up with your evidence your arguments. I mean, imagine you're arguing for the possibility in front of a jury trial, defending your family present for the defense. What arguments do you have? You're painting the picture of possibility. You're thinking of it being possible in why all the time now, days and days of just writing the possibility wave. Ideas strike you while you're thinking and possibility of how to help your young adult and you just keep taking action on them. You execute the ideas and then you repeat it over and over again. You literally radiate possibility even in conversation, and your family start solving problems together. You recover faster from the downtimes it's just more peaceful around your house. That's a little sign that it's working. So you pay attention to it because it's more evidence for how possible it is to help them systemize self reliance. And that's what you're looking for. All the evidence, new thoughts of possibility all of the time. It's on your radar and just constantly looking for it. And you keep going in this process. So you and your young adult, talk regularly. They're telling you about their life, GPS, their projects, they consult with you when they struggle you encourage them, you actively listen to them. you warn them when you notice thoughts that don't serve them, you notice your progress in theirs. When you fill your world with these kinds of inspired actions, it will start to seem probable that you will help your young adult
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systemize self reliance, you want your own thoughts and how they create a life you love. You know what they can do for themselves. And you've problem solved with them to agree on who will support them in areas where they're unable to be self reliant just now, but they will grow. You've created the financial documents that transfer assets to them, even when you're gone in a way that doesn't jeopardize the government benefits. you've assigned trustees to their trusts if appropriate. You're confident that in the unlikely event that a catastrophic event did occur, things are organized and in place to support them. It will seem like a given that at some point, your young adult will in fact systemize Self Reliance because you've taken such consistent action now from possibility and you've almost even forgotten what it felt like when it was impossible, because you believe so much in the possibility that there is no turning back. Now you are taking massive action from believing it's a given. They are getting things done. They're making progress you can see it. You don't even know exactly what's next. And yet you really don't need to know you're showing up in so many ways. This is when you enter the inep inevitability cd into belief, even when the results haven't happened for you yet. You have a little just only have a little doubt that it won't. You're showing up. You're fueled by belief. And you feel certainty when you think about a self reliant life for your young adult. You Stacia Cutler in her book This is Temple Brandon's mother describes how this feels in this book a thorn in my pocket. Quote, there was a little construction door in temple school dormitory that led to the roof. When she finally dared to step through it. She found she was actually out on the sloping roof, a bit unnerved by the height, but deeply moved by the starry night sky. From that night on going through the little door became temple symbolic act of preparation for the next step in life. Even now she walks herself through various stores. Today I'm astonished by Temple's worldly accomplishments, but what I love most about her is her courage. Despite the hazards of her artistic landscape, she's never hesitated to go through the little door with no guarantee that what's on the other side will ever make sense to her. Now, here's what I see happen a lot of the time and remember noticing is key. It's everything my family's will tell me that they believe with certainty that they are going to systemize self reliance, and they do it for a whole 30 days. But then nothing happened. And it didn't work. They didn't see results. A question the process the coaching, even the idea that thoughts create results, but they aren't noticing their results. I really want you to see this. self talk is the most important skill. I'm just going to assume that you agree with me on that. So the problem wasn't the process. The problem was that they thought they were believing but they want I'm going to say that again. The problem wasn't the process. The problem was that they thought they weren't believing and they weren't. I think that is the biggest issue parents face when Systemising self reliance. I see it I see it a lot. It's probably one of the number one things I see most often is people telling me that they believe when they really don't. If we don't connect with their young adults and don't believe they can be self reliant, we have to get honest with ourselves. It doesn't make it easier to lie to move through the stages. Even if we fake it, and we pretend possibility and we pretend individual inevitability our brain knows the difference can't lie to it. I think the hardest thing is understanding really noticing when you're believing and when you're not. How I know that the person who knows me and says they did it for a whole 30 days and nothing happened and it didn't work. How I know that they weren't really believing ever is that they quit believing. Their belief was based on the other side of them happening. It wasn't true
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belief. If you can drop your belief after 30 days because you didn't see results. It means you were never really in belief in the first place. These stages when we actually go through them strengthen our belief, so much so that when we reach the inevitable stage of belief, we can't turn back it's impossible, because it's who we've become. We have actually changed our belief. So if this happens to you, I want you to notice from here on out with this means when you say I tried it and it didn't work, I believe for 30 days straight, or I tried to believe how we know you didn't believe is because you quit and you stepped away from it. Maybe subconsciously maybe you're just not really aware of the thoughts. But if you made a deal with yourself to believe only for three days, was really not believing. Listen to me. If you commit to yourself to get the results you want for your family. You aren't going to stop. Nothing is going to stop you. Definitely not somebody sound telling you that you can do it in 30 days. And then if you don't do it happen, you say it's their fault, and you're quitting on yourself. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, that just doesn't work with me. That's on you. I really want you to be on yourself when you're lying to yourself when you're saying you're believing in another way to know if you're lying to yourself is when you say you're believing 100% But you haven't done the actions like create a live GPS of your young adult. I mean it really is just an interview. And then you're reporting it as if it were fact with all the other reasons why. And nowhere in those reasons are your thoughts. Because when you're in the stage of inevitability, you believe it is inevitable. So there is no reason to talk about why it hasn't worked and say it's not my belief, I believe people tell me that is not believe, I really believe is the process. It's my young adult. It's my partner. It's this it's that is the other thing because I really believe because when you're in inevitability, you never say stuff like that, because it's inevitable. So of course it's happening. You can just be busy believing and doing. But it's important that being in the stage doesn't mean that there's no doubt. It doesn't mean that there's no disbelief that comes up because while you're going through all these stages, a lot of thoughts will be triggered and come up. In can the inevitability stage, though we have so much power over our minds, that we actively look for the thoughts holding us back. We don't hide from them. We aren't scared of them. In this stage our dominant belief will be leading the way and the dominant belief when we really are missing age is belief. The way we handle disbelief when we don't believe feels completely different than when we do believe. And our work is to notice the difference. That's what what we're doing all the time in the art of adulting is just developing awareness. I do point out to my families where they're thinking it's one problem, but back over here, this is a problem. Most of the coaching that happens to us helping people notice and thoughts. Okay, so the last thing I will leave you with here is that if this stage the inevitability stage is the shortest stage between belief and getting the result we want. When we genuinely maintain belief and we go through these agents, the results will come quickly. So if you feel like you've been in the stage for six months, for example, you need to go take yourself back into awareness. Notice your thoughts, what is going on What am I creating with my thoughts? Because when we are genuinely in this inevitability stage, this is where we go out and make it happen and see the results. I see it all the time. Remember, the process can take six months or a year but could all sit down. It really depends. We just need to go there in our minds.
