#56 | How to get buy in? Where to begin?
Apr 25, 2022Watch the webclass, "4-Part Roadmap to Encourage Adulting Actions."
Download, "The Quick Start Guide to STEAR Mapping"
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Having raised six adult children, all alternative learners, several autistic, we had to figure out how to help them create a life they love that works. I've been able to really distill down what takes the monkey off of our backs and puts it squarely on theirs.
The fact is that we have to teach strategic life creation skills directly to our autistic adults because they don't just pick them up.
So, what's going on here? Let's look first at why this seems to be a struggle for so many of us. We have to break life down into parts and figure out what needs to be done next, do it and then figure out what worked and what didn't work.
But to do all that, we have to have our children's, our adult children's buy in. We do that by asking them what they want, what have they already created that they want, and what do they want next?
We have to record it in our notes or google doc it whatever it is, but we have to start taking it from the conceptual to the specific, because our brains just can't keep track of all the details. We've just got to write it down.
Then if we can do that and send them our notes to them via text, and we'll get their ideas on their phone in writing. It makes a huge difference in the way that they start to be an adult. It's practicing the set of mental tools that help us manage the thoughts, emotions and actions that help us achieve the goals that we set for us by us.
So we're trying to help them practice the adulting skills while we're here, because we won't always be here to help coach them along the way in life.
To do that, we need to connect with ourselves and with them. We recognize that our role is shifting now. They have been a product of the school system where the expectations have been defined by other people, and now they have to define their own expectations and create what they want out of life. big shift.
We recognize though that our role now has has switched from being an authoritarian position to a collaborative coach position where we encourage them, we warn them and we are consulted by them. Because that's the best way to have the monkey move from our back to their back so that they practice doing what they need to do while we're still here and then they're capable of doing it after our runway runs out.
The best tool I found to do this is to look at our thinking, figure out what it is that's going on inside our brain and inside of there's the first we connect with ourselves. We look at the situation and figure out what thoughts that's triggering and how they're flavoring our emotions that are generating the actions that we're taking that are creating our results by grasping this concept and applying it in and taking ownership of it.
That's how our autistic adults move from emotional childhood into emotional adulthood. We have to show them how. We have to lead the way there.
So what's the practice? The practice is always to reflectively listen.
- We need to say it seems like and it seems like his because it's a tentative beginning. It says I don't know exactly how you're thinking, but I'm doing my best to try and capture it.
- It seems like you feel whatever the emotion is,
- Because whatever their thought is a short recap of the situation and our words because if we use our words, then that suggests that we've processed what they've said. And we're really listening and tuning in and the brain loves that our autistic young adults love to be heard and helps them feel seeing. It helps them feel soothed and helps them feel safe in our presence so that they're secure in that they can come to us and ask us to help them figure out what they how they need to think about a situation so that they align their emotions with the actions that they want to take and create the results that they want in their life.
So I really hope that this has been helpful to give you just a quick overview of what's going on with what is the best approach and how I distill this down. And I hope to see hope to get listened to sit here comments and learn more from you about how this approach could work for you.
Bye for now.
