#21 | Grooming and Our Autistic Young Adults: Why Is It So Hard?

Watch the webclass, "4-Part Roadmap to Encourage Adulting Actions."

Get the Preview of the workbook, When Autism Grows Up by Lynn C Davison, Adulting Coach, Available in Fall 2022.

Download, "The Quick Start Guide to STEAR Mapping"

RESOURCES

• Asperger Experts: Ending the Hygiene Struggle
• Autistic Science Person - Autistic Hygiene
• Russell Kolts and others, AN OPEN-HEARTED LIFE

Hey everyone, today's topic is grooming and our autistic young adults. Why is it so hard? I'm Lynn, you're adulting coach and thank you for watching this video.

So why is it so hard? I had the same question. Because over the last three decades we've had some trouble in this area, some struggles in this area,  I didn't get why is it so hard?

So, I decided to stop asking myself because I didn't have the answers. And I decided to go to Google. I Googled 'autistic young adults and grooming' to see what I could find. Was there someone out there who was an autistic adult who had written about this and there was, so I have to just tell you, I'm thrilled to introduce you, maybe you've already met them before, to the Asperger Experts.

These guys write about their struggles and produce videos. And they are just wonderful. They've also written a wonderful book here called SEVEN WAYS TO MOTIVATE SOMEONE WITH ASPERGERS and I am reading it and it is wonderfully insightful. So here's what Gosh, I wish, I don't remember his name [Danny Raede]. 

Anyway, here's what he says about how to take care of this topic with an autistic or someone with Asperger's in his words.

So the first step that he suggests, and this is our understanding step, let's understand what is going on with our autistic young adults first. Let's do our research first and see what we can learn.

The first step that he advocates is that we need to issue an invitation to discussing this topic with our autistic with an outpouring of love (love that) and hope for them to explain what's going on. This is where we use our reflective listening.

1. "Brushing your teeth is uncomfortable because you don't like the taste of the toothpaste.
2. "Brushing your teeth at night is hard because it's hard for you to break from your iPad or your game to get it done.

I mean, if we can take the time to figure out what it is that's getting between areas without doing the task, what's been happening in this space. We can get so much information that we can leverage together to figure out this problem.

So he suggests the first thing we do, and I can't agree more, is to do the invitation and influence step.

Then she says, Okay, let's do a better job of understanding, helping them understand the science. So, notice this, we're actually paralleling our proactive and collaborative problem solving process.

So the first thing we're doing is we're understanding when the empathy step and we're understanding, okay, this is what's going on. From my perspective, this is the parent’s perspective. So, here's what we need to do is explain the science and the logic about brushing teeth, and taking showers and what the science says about why it's so important.

And for us, you know, brushing the teeth is so important because tooth decay, can create lots of problems with the roots of your teeth, which can then create pain for you. And then once it's painful, you've got to go get a root canal, which is also, you know, a task that none of us want to see you have to do and we're gonna have to pay for all of that and it can get very expensive.

So, explaining the science between he says tooth brushing, wiping and showering is what's so important if we don't like that it's possible that the bacteria from our gut can travel to other parts of our body where we can get urinary tract infections and or, you know, other kinds of infections that can really be uncomfortable for you and we have to go to the doctor and get medications.

We just explain what it is. You know why showering is so helpful because it helps us move off some of those things as long as we don't stay in the shower too long and dry out our skin.

Showering is a really good thing and we've explained exactly how all that works.

Then we need to really understand for them that the list of things to do in order to accomplish these tasks can be quite long. So  we really have to understand that we're looking at it as a task that does challenge executive functioning.

And now that we know more about executive functioning and why that's so hard for people who think more linear people with autistic brains who think more linear terms, and know exactly what needs to be done. It's just a long list of steps that's hard to keep memorized. And that actually picturing themselves. Doing those steps is more difficult for an autistic brain than a non autistic brain.

They call that my memedic ideation. Sarah Ward is a speech and language pathologist who beautifully describes what that means and what we how we can be more aware of what's happening with our kids. So please, let's just take the time to understand you know why this is a tough task because it fits in you know, to the priorities of their day in the perception that it's going to be a difficult one. I'll give you some more examples of why it seems to be a long list of things to do in just a moment.

The next step that he talks about is then let's explain how to and not just explain it. This is when we need to use some visualizations, some visual aids.

I know our kids are older and they don't want you know, cartoons of the steps that need to be taken. So, my favorite option is to go to YouTube and find a video that they can choose you know, you can say well, let's let's YouTube it. Let's see what's out there. And then have them select the YouTube video that helps them see themselves in the future accomplishing these tasks. There's got to be in YouTube on toothbrushing, wiping and showering. There just has to be so let's go find it. And let's pick the one that works best for you to be able to picture these steps.

That's now we're in the collaborative problem solving part where we agree on the next steps and sometimes that's it for the day. That's all they can tolerate. So good. Okay, we accomplish that task. We understand why and we've got the mechanics down. So my suggestion is to go to YouTube, you know, to find something that's appropriate, that's age appropriate for our kids.

And finally, it's really the final step is to double back you know, in a couple days and see what can we do to troubleshoot with whatever's happening. What kind of shampoo do they prefer? Is it the coconut smell or some other smell but they do or don't? Like, you know, how do we pick out whatever it is, the type of toothpaste that we use the checkered toothbrush that we use, the kind of toilet paper that we use, so that we can troubleshoot the kind of towel that they have, whether or not they have to dry themselves off. Maybe we get them a robe instead. These are all things I've done.

Maybe get a robe and so they don't have to use that towel on their body. They can just put it a very absorbent robe on instead. And you know, what kind of hairdryer are we asking them to use and the brush? If we can troubleshoot all of those things, to troubleshoot all those things together. Then I think we can come up with a way that just might work out.

Then we just have to keep in mind that is this hygiene step. This hygiene can be  hard for autists.

It needs to be consistently tasks switching. Each task is a series of steps that are demanding on their executive function. It requires motor planning and movement, which is not you know on the top of the list of fun things to do for autistic brains usually, and then there's some sensory sensitivities: the temperature of the water that temperature at all, you can imagine how many different senses are involved in accomplishing these tasks.

So I just want to remind you again, that this book, SEVEN EASY WAYS TO MOTIVATE SOMEONE WITH ASPERGERS is something that I just bought. I'm really looking forward to learning more from them about what's happening, because I'm just finding so much about autism.

Most advice is written for younger kids and I'm going to turn to be experts now with artists themselves who have written about what it's like and what we can do this most helpful. I just think that's the best strategy.

Of course, I'm going to be informed by the other professionals that are in this business.

And I definitely want to bring the autistic young adult voice into my learning so that I can really leverage what they have found  in life that can work for them.

So here's another perspective that I got from the autistic science person. And I was able to download her blog post. And the point that she made in this I just love this is a very nice article. In the notes that she describes exactly why it's so difficult.

And here are the steps that she outlined. I'd rather write this entire blog post and take a shower. And this is the list of steps but it's even longer than this. It goes on to the second page and take a picture. But it gave me an appreciation of the things that are required to take a shower and how I pretty much take it for granted because what I do is I picture myself taking a shower and then all the steps are in that kind of video of me doing that.

And it was just helpful for her to explain exactly how many steps there are that I just had really never considered before.

She also implores us to be kind. So let me read her quote.

"If you do not personally struggle with hygiene tasks, please remember that many disabled people do. Please remember that not doing these tasks can lead to bullying at school and being passed up at job interviews. And that disabled people don't deserve that.

The judgment and quick assumptions people give disabled people who show an ounce of poor hygiene honestly can ruin lives. At the very least it can make people feel shame or guilt for not being able to shower or brush their teeth as often as they are supposed to by societal standards.

Please remember that this article when you see someone with greasy hair, or that someone smells. Remember that there's a lot of reasons people may not be able to shower frequently. And I've definitely not listed all the reasons here. There are a lot more.

So to non autistic people. I say please be kind."

I think this person is definitely worth following.

And the message to our autistic people or autistic loved ones is that you are not bad or wrong or having greasy hair mounting or having teeth problems. This is a struggle that you come by naturally, because of the brain you got in the genetic lottery is a natural variation on the way things come together. It's just biology. And we're gonna work on this together to come up with a way that works for you.

You're going to be the one who's going to decide that way. We're not going to impose it on you because we do not know as well as you do, what is going to work for you. So what I really try to keep in mind when I face these types of struggles with my young adults is that:

"What happens when we see the suffering in ourselves and others when we see it as not as something that has gone wrong, or an indication of personal failure or weakness, but rather is a normal process of living that requires us to develop insight and courage."

~ Russell Kolts and others, AN OPEN-HEARTED LIFE

And I am so thankful for the autistic adults that I coach every week because they show such courage in sharing with me their struggles and helping the two of us together, helping them figure out what they might want to try and what might work for them. So that they can grow their brain and face the struggles AND WIN and develop more trust in themselves that they can indeed create a life they love that works.

And I encourage all of my parents to learn about the skills and the strategies that I teach in The Art of Adulting so that we can be the very best coaches for our autistic loved ones for the rest of our lives.

So, again, just a summary is what we did.

1. We connected with the proactive collaborative problem solving process by understanding what's going on and learning from other autistic people. What are the parts of the struggle that we may not understand ourselves? Because we all struggle with it, but they you know, they explained that they do. Frankly, there are things that they do better than and we do. So it's like being able to understand how our brains work.
2. And then explaining from our perspective why it's important to have good personal hygiene, and then together coming together with a plan of action that we're united on that we are willing to try to see if it can work in the future for them.
3. So the final step, of course is just to practice the following up and doing whatever we can to make to help support our autistic young adults in their quest to create a life they love that works.

Find me at The Art of Adulting on Facebook, and lynncdavison.com/blog. I look forward to talking to you soon.

Bye for now!