#35 | Anger and Rage

Watch the webclass, "4-Part Roadmap to Encourage Adulting Actions."

Get the Preview of the workbook, When Autism Grows Up by Lynn C Davison, Adulting Coach, Available in Fall 2022.

Download, "The Quick Start Guide to STEAR Mapping"

RESOURCES

• The Art of Adulting Facebook Page
• Conserving Spoons at Musings of an Aspie
• SEEING AUTISM by Barb Avila: https://www.lynncdavison.com/pl/2147533610
• MAN'S SEARCH FOR MEANING by Victor Frankl 
• ValuesParenting.com by Linda and Richard Eyre

Hi everyone! This is Lynn, your adulting coach. I help autistic young adults and their families systemize adulting together.

Today's struggle comes from the Wendy Whitley Crist from the Art of Adulting Facebook page which is my private Facebook page and I would love to see you there.

She has a 20 year old college student and here are some of the things she's thinking.

She's finding him easily. Oops, sorry about that, typo there. He's easily triggered by his parents simple questions after school demands and the social aspect of going to school and she finds that she feels that she's getting the brunt of the impact as a result. And, you know, that's not a good feeling.

She's feeling you know, I can only I can only imagine from those thoughts that she must be feeling kind of put off and not appreciated and just, you know, pushed away from here son. Not good things for a mom to feel. So, yeah, it's quite uncomfortable for her.

So our first challenge then, is to understand what is going on with our autistic young adult that we're getting this kind of behavior on a regular basis.

And I turn to the blogging, the blogosphere to come up with what might make an explanation that that makes sense to us.

This spoon theory idea came from a blogger who was talking about dealing with a chronic illness that she had, that her energy had a certain number of spoons. And when she used them up, she really had to go someplace and recharge. It just wasn't possible for her to participate anymore in a lot of interaction with others.

And the Autistic Community has really appreciated this explanation and adapted it, too. We know that there are challenges with the autistic brain that we got in the social realm, in the physical activity realm, in the executive functioning relm, language, as well as sensory.

Those are just the five that this particular blogger picked out as the areas of challenge that they have. And you can see that they allocated different spoons to the amount of energy that they have available for each of those areas of life.

This is a really apt analogy. It suggests that, okay, this particular individual can take a lot of physical activity and is pretty darn good executive function because they've given themselves a lot of spoons there for what the demands, and even they can handle a lot of sensory challenges. When it comes to social and language. It's just there's just only so much and available.

Such a helpful visual way to think about what could be going on in our own autistic young adults' world. So let's keep that spoon theory in mind when we're looking at what's happening to better understand what's going on.

Oh, please, I am taking these understand connect, and then practice concepts from Barb Avila's book, SEEING AUTISM, and I will make sure that I've linked to that in the show notes. I think it's in the transcript. It's really a great resource for parents to understand what's going on with our autistic young adults and why.

So here's where we want to connect first with ourselves and then with them because we want to see okay, what are we operating from? What's causing us to feel the way that we feel?

The STEAR Map is really where we need to look at to sort out what's happening. So that we can find the flexibility in our thinking that we come up with a thought that that's going to create a result that's more aligned with what we really want in our family.

It starts with a situation, which is just the facts, because the facts can't hurt us. So we have to get to a fact in this situation, because what's happening is that that fact is triggering a thought in our mind. So this is our interpretation of what everyone would agree with. All that just the facts, just the known. Nothing can hurt us. Kind of accepting those facts.

5:08

So those thoughts then flavor our emotions which generate the actions that we take in cause the result. I find this is a very helpful way of making sure that I'm examining what's going on in my brain and I'm starting to grab hold of that steering wheel, my mind. I'm saying, "Okay, I'm going to take your brain and I know that you're, you know, that has some default ways of thinking, because you're trying to protect me, I get that."

And so what I want to do with someone to just steer my thinking a little bit, I want to be flexible with my thinking, so that I take myself to the real destination that I want to go in and not just the one that my brain offers me as default.

This is an interesting and challenging way of growing. And when we when we teach this to ourselves and apply it to ourselves, we realize the power of it, and then it's a gift we can really give to our autistic young adults.

Once we have mastered it. Then we can turn and teach it around mastered it might be an exaggeration, because I don't know that I'll ever master it but at least I know the practice that I'm trying to head toward.

So this is the tool is that I believe it's going to help us really teach and I've seen it in my family teach our autistic young adults how to be a little bit more flexible in the way that they think so that they can have a better emotion that drives the actions that are going to create a life that they love that is going to work.

So let's look at let's look at what's going on here. Her son said words, that's about as fact-y as I can get. When my young adult is looking at me is saying things or texting things, you know, they're words.

Currently her thought right is, "After a after day in school, forced to be social, the parents are taking the brunt of it."

Now, can you see the difference between the facts that don't hurt? You know the sunset words and our interpretation of what happened with those words.

That's the part that we can choose. That's where Viktor Frankl in his MAN'S SEARCH FOR MEANING, you know, after horrible, tragic experiences with his family and within concentration camps during Nazi Germany.

So, you know, we have the choice that's a one choice no one can take away from us is how we decide to think about the circumstances in our life. And if he can do it in a situation like that, I'm inspired to do it in whatever situation I find myself in life.

So here's where we separate out the situation from the thinking. Okay, so that's the thought right now. Let's look at okay, what does that thought produce?

Well, I'm guessing, but I think that it would produce a feeling an emotion of being defeated. It's like I just want an answer to a simple question. And I'm not getting it and it just feels so defeating that after 20 years of investment in this child, all the love in the world, all the energy, all the help that we could possibly muster. This is what's happening now is that they just don't even respond when we asked a simple question. It just I mean, you can just hear the thoughts right there spinning in creating that feeling of  defeat.

So that's when we, you know, action is spinning in thought. We withdraw from our opposite results. We avoid them because we don't want to experience that discomfort that defeated that that hurt feeling that we get when we don't get the response that we really expect from them.

And then of course, the result is that we disconnect from one another. Not the thought that is going to get us where we want to go to.

Then let's look at okay what is going on possibly with the autistic adult's thinking?

They're home from school. His thought could probably be, "Just leave me alone. I'm done.

And so he gets frustrated because he's already done before he even walked in the door and he lashes out at his parents. And then of course they're both disconnected now.

So this is a this is just a dynamic that happens. How do I know this? Because it's happened in my house. And it happens, you know, often enough in nursing homes where we have non autistic brains.

10:05
So I know that this is you know, it just helps me to sort of sort things out like this and figure out okay, what, what is going on? What is that thought? Is that thought working for me? Can I take my brain and I can just use my mind to steer my brain to say no, that's not the thought we're going to think now.

We're going to be inspired by Victor Frankel's example. And we're going to choose a thought that might work out for us to try it on and see if it's true. See if it works better for us.

And then once we have practiced that enough, I promise you because I've been doing this now, since 2016 that this has made a huge difference in my life.

And I've taught it to my autistic adults. And it really has helped us stay connected with one another so we can solve the problems that we have together and really come up with a solution that works for everyone in the family. 

Because we're really not, you know, we're really not independent people. We are all very interdependent. So if we can use a system like this to think about, you know, what's happening, we all have common language we all have a common way of solving problems together and that keeps us connected and strong as a family. I know this is what you want, or you wouldn't be asking these questions, because I know you have a vision of a family that is close and loving and supportive.

And that's, I'm telling you this is the best tool I found to help me get through times like what you're suffering with right now what you're, what the challenge is right now your struggle.

Okay. And we got to look at our thoughts. We've got to teach our young adults to look at their thoughts and see if they can be flexible, and using that tool, the STEAR Map is really a way to do it. In the meantime, though, between now that, you know, we're introduced to this concept, okay, we're gonna go try it. What do we do to make things better?

And so I just advocate over and over again that really our job is to listen, listen, and listen. And the more we listen, the more we'll understand what the thoughts are that are creating the emotions and actions that we're seeing in our autistic adults.

And the more we listen and find those thoughts, the more they will feel seen, safe and soothed by our presence so that they are secure with us and then they can take that security to the world and create a life that they love that works.

So listening is the very first step that we have to take. We have to take deep breaths when they're around. We have to stop having expectations of what they're going to give to us. They're only going to give to us what they're capable of giving. And that's all based on what they're thinking and feeling.

So, you know, let's just listen and do our best to reflect their emotion and their meaning using declarative sentences.

So this is where I would encourage mom to not ask questions. Instead, make declarative statements.

What happens often with a brain that is just on high alert all the time, which is what I would describe the brains of the autistic people that I love, is that when we ask them a question, it can it can really put them into the fight flight or flee reaction, because it's like a demand that they have to answer to. And so they're going to immediately resist even answering a question, especially when they're in a heightened state.

So instead of asking the question, I highly suggest that we do declarative statements like:

• You feel tired after school
• You're frustrated.
• Seems like you've used up all the energy you have.
• You're done.

Those types of declarative sentences say I see what's going on with you. I care about you. I want you to know that I'm that I noticed what's happening with you. And that that declarative approach is so much better than a questioning approach because it doesn't require an answer. It just says I see you they can respond if they're able to do that or not.

14:57
And then I would suggest that you know, you can use various openings so you don't sound sound mechanical to your to your child, which is:

• it sounds like
• I hear you saying,
• If I'm following you,
• help me understand.
• I'm seeing reluctance I'm seeing fear I'm seeing a shame magazine loneliness.

Because the three parts of this reflective listening create a declarative statement.

It is not a question about what in that you know, what is going on with you or what happened or that require a response? That just says, I see you, I hear you, I love you. I am here for you. And I will always love you. And that's, I think, the message that we want to send to our autistic young adults.

And I'm going to respectfully suggest that now that they are out of the school system, and they are starting, very much just starting, to define what they want out of their life through secondary education or jobs or not, whatever it is that their life looks like now. Our role as the parent of an adult child, artistic or non artistic, is three things. We encourage we want and we are consulted. And this came from Linda and Richard Eyre, whom I really admire. They have a wonderful website called ValuesParenting.com, which I will link to, I will give you the link in that transcript.

And if you Google these three things, the encouraging the warning and the consulting, you'll discover that these are actually the monarchs role in England. When you think about it, when Elizabeth does not legislate action, she does not expect anything from the you know, from the government of England, she is there to encourage to warn it to be consulted.

And so that's why I give us the crown and I remind myself to put it on whenever I'm a bit whenever I'm judging whether or not my autistic young adult is meeting my expectations or not.

And I have to remind myself that that is not their job to meet my expectations. That is my job.

And I need to be very hard on myself about what I need to maybe I shouldn't say that.

I need to have my expectations of myself clearly defined. And I really expect myself to live up to those expectations, and I monitor myself carefully.

And that my job with my autistic young adults is really to love them through encouraging warning and being consulted by them.

And the more often I listen to them and really hear and see what's going on with them, the more likely they are to come and consult me when things are having, you know, are difficult in their life when they're struggling. And that's really what I want them to do.

I want them to come to me as their coach, as their parent, as the one that they know that can trust, who has their best interests at heart. That's what we want.

And we just always want to love them until the end of our runway and prepare them to be able to create a life that they love that works through the flexible thinking that I'm advocating in this video.

So please come to LynnCDavison.com/blog for a transcript of this video and consider looking around and looking at the Art of Adulting which is the course, coaching and community that I've created for arts for parents of autistic young adults who want to systemize adulting together.

Bye for now.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai