8 Common Mistakes Parents Make That Kill Their Kids’ Self-Reliance
Apr 20, 2020
Mistake # 1: Not having a plan.
Will our little ones ever make it on their own?
Wouldn’t it be nice if our kids came with owner’s manuals: a road map that tells exactly how to craft a healthy, wealthy, wise child, full of details about exactly how to create self-reliant humans. A book of wisdom, chock full of life-changing knowledge passed down from generation to generation that is timeless.
Where do you find truth like this? The answer is inside you.
If that’s the case, you say, then why don’t I get the results I want?
What To Do Instead?
The answer lies in mapping your thoughts and articulating your aspirations for your life and your children.
Write them down in a place you can read on your phone. The notes app is a great place to start. Your phone is always with you, right?
Make certain your dreams encompass your whole life (no dropping balls) and are:
- Aligned with your intentions
- Focused on what matters to you
- Driven with compassion and love.
Create your actions off your dreams. Nothing else will work as well.
Mistake # 2: Not teaching life mapping skills.
But my child struggles with ADHD, Autism, Anxiety, Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, Sensory Processing...
So do mine. So what. They all have dreams. Build on those. What do they want?
Start with the first thing. Help them get it. (Don’t get it for them.)
What To Do Instead?
Be their coach. Teach them how to make a solid commitment and create their dreams.
Ask them regularly how they are doing and feeling. What problems are they finding? Be the coach of their dreams.
A good coach helps them create a game plan, a framework, a way to act that gives them a reasonable chance to succeed.
To live a healthy, wealthy and wise life they need to break life down into a play book. Each area of life has must-do’s.
For example, to be successful financially, we must spend less than we earn and save for our future.
As our kids’ life coach, we give them a leg up by identifying the key areas of life. Then we help them decide how they want to succeed in each area. Then teach them to plan their day to get it.
Mistake #3: Not using a problem solving process.
Be your own (wo)man on the white horse.
Situations will challenge us on our way to our dreams. We cannot control other people, or our past, or how much things cost. Anything out there is beyond our control.
We can control our thoughts, feelings, actions and results. That’s the good news because those things determine our success.
Our thoughts cause our feelings, drive our actions and create our results.
The problem is that no one teaches us that how we think determines our life.
What To Do Instead?
Every problem we have is one of four things: a thought, feeling, action or result.
When we look at our mind -- compassionately observe what’s going on in there -- we understand that our thinking is the root cause of all our suffering, all our problems.
We’re not going to beat ourselves up ever again but understand with curiosity and fascination why we believe and do.
Mistake # 4: Not teaching your kids how to problem solve.
Stop solving their problems.
Any parent will say, “I just want my kids to be happy.” That’s because we believe that when they are happy, we are happy.
But if that were true, we would be a mirror of their feelings 100% of the time. We’re not. We can’t be. Thank goodness. It’s impossible, and not desirable.
What To Do Instead?
What we really want is to see our kids get what they want out of life. Now that they have an idea of what they want (see Mistake #2) we know they’re going to have to solve problems.
Lots of obstacles will be in their path. How they feel and act in the face of those obstacles will determine the results they achieve.
How they act is determined by how they feel and how they feel is caused by their thoughts.
Teach them to understand what they think, then how to think with intention. It’s how they’ll get what they want.
Mistake #5: No risk management.
But we have lots of insurance...
That’s good. Insuring against the worst that could happen is a perfect example of inversion, a critical thinking skill that spotlights error and roadblocks that are not obvious at first glance. Instead of thinking what to do, inversion asks what not to do.
Success is overvalued. Avoiding failure matters more.
What To Do Instead?
What should be avoided?
Sometimes it is more important to study the reasons for failure and guard against those:
- distracting ourselves instead of doing what's uncomfortable
- sloth and unreliability,
- alienating customers and co-workers,
- being untrustworthy,
- accumulating debt.
Overeating, overdrinking, overspending, over doing pleasure in the short-term at the sacrifice of the long-term.
Usually the above are a result of not wanting to feel uncomfortable.
Practice feeling any feeling to find the value in all of them.
Mistake #6: Not teaching kids what not to do.
Success is never due to one thing, but failure can be.
Sleeping well won't make you successful, but not sleeping enough will hold us back.
Hard work is rarely enough without good strategy, but even the best strategy is useless without hard work.
Over-eating, over-drinking, over-spending, over-gaming, over-Facebooking or over-YouTube-ing are all examples of avoiding and easily cause failure to thrive as an emerging adult.
What To Do Instead?
Helping young adults feel their feelings instead of avoiding what is uncomfortable isn't easy, but it is critical.
Less avoidance, more action makes all the difference.
But how to get them to take the first step? Ask them what they want and what the next best step is.
Then imaging the negative things that could go wrong. Imagining the worst case scenario ahead of time helps overcome fears of negative experiences with specific plans to prevent them.
Ask, "What would things look like if everything went wrong tomorrow? Put a spotlight on errors and roadblocks that aren't obvious at first glance. Instead of just asking how, also ;;'ask how to not do it.
What do they want? What's the next step? Then, what do they want to avoid?
Mistake # 7: Trying to do too much.
Extraordinary results happen by focusing on one thing.
We want an infinite number of things.
- Financial freedom
- Great food
- Lifelong health
- Beautiful homes
- Rewarding careers
- Useful tech.
- Sports wins.
- Helpful coaches.
- Precious pets.
The list is endless. Can we get them all at once? Unlikely.
What To Do Instead?
What is most important? What are the few actions that drive the most results?
What can be put on auto-pilot so the ball isn't dropped, so energy is directed to the one thing that makes the most impact?
We all have multiple areas of life we'd like to improve. The problem is, even if we commit to working hard on our goals, we are likely to revert back to our old habits at some point.
Making long-term, permanent change takes intention.
If we want to master multiple habits and stick to them, we have to be consistent. The best way is to change one thing at a time.
Mistake # 8: Not teaching the importance of focus.
Our adult children also want an infinite number of things.
They can also become discouraged, distracted and disengaged.
How do we encourage them to stay focused on creating a life they love that works in spite of uncomfortable emotions?
What To Do Instead?
Break life down into 10 systems and ask them these 5 questions:
- What have you already created in this part of your life?
- What do you want next?
- Why? What are the payoffs you imagine of getting what you want?
- What is the very next step you are committed to take?
- What obstacles do you expect when you take this step?
Become their guide.
Encourage them to use a step-by-step process to create a life they love that works.
Connect, understand and empower them daily.
Celebrate progress.
Be the person behind their success. No one succeeds alone. No one.
Pick a time for a one-on-one strategy session with me.
Let's talk. Free help. My pleasure.
