#17 | Stop Nightmares
Jan 25, 2022Watch the webclass, "4-Part Roadmap to Encourage Adulting Actions."
Download, "The Quick Start Guide to STEAR Mapping"
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SEEING AUTISM by Barb Avila: https://www.lynncdavison.com/pl/2147533610
Today's topic is how to help young autistic adults having nightmares. I had one myself the other night. It was a typical type of nightmare where I was standing in front of a group of former work colleagues. 25 years ago, I left this place of work, and of course in my dream I was trying to put my clothes on and they were all hostile and making fun of me. I woke up and my heart was pounding. I was sweating. I was breathing fast. And I thought, why am I still having these kinds of nightmares? It's been decades. What's going on? So I just want everyone to know that these are known as idiopathic nightmares. These happen from time to time but they're not repetitive distressing nightmares, like people who have experienced trauma and have PTS. Nine out of ten people with PTS have repetitive distressing nightmares. And those are awful. I'll talk a little bit about those, but just know if you think you have PTS and you're having that kind of nightmare, you need somebody who's qualified to work with that specifically; I highly recommend that.
For the rest of us, nightmares actually can be a good thing. So I'm going to define why we have them, why they're a good thing, and then offer you seven ways to process them with your autistic young adults or you can suggest that your autistic young adult do to get rid of them. Just want to start up with a disclaimer though. If you have had past trauma, and you have recurring distressing nightmares, please work with a therapist to get the help you need. If you might have PTS and you choose to practice some of the exercises that I offer, know that you are doing them now at your own risk. You know the good thing about working with a therapist is that they will take you step by step through the process and only suggest you do something that's within your window of tolerance. That's why we have those types of people who can do those wonderful things. They are well trained and well experienced. So that's what I recommend.
So let's get into the causes of nightmares. Everyone has nightmares at some point. Again, PTS is different; they repeat the same terrifying storyline over and over again, and they can last years or even decades. But for the rest of us who are having those recurring nightmares, researchers believe that dreaming is our way that our brains process emotions and experiences. We're in that rapid eye movement, REM part of sleeping and we usually don't remember them. But what's happening during REM is the body turns down the adrenaline. That adrenaline causes our fight flight or freeze response. And it does that so that healthy people can process through their emotions without getting their nervous system activated. So it sounds like it's something that our body has developed as a great adaptive response to distressing events. And you know, sometimes you actually can have a good night's sleep and make peace with whatever was triggering that particular nightmare.
The researchers conclude that the brain is trying to process a memory or an experience so that we can heal. The problem with PTS or other repetitive distressing nightmares is that we don't finish the process of working through the nightmare because we wake up. It's so terrifying it wakes us right up and our brains just don't know what to do with that dream. So they start sitting on it and then of course, that's distressing. So then we avoid it. And it's just not helpful at all. What we want to remember is that nightmares are not a sign of weakness. They're actually a sign of a healthy brain that's trying to process something. It’s good to know that.
Let me just give you an example of how nightmares might be working by thinking about the Lion King (the movie or the play). You know the Lion King is a very scary movie, especially when that stampede comes along and Mufasa dies and Scarpit convinces Simba that it's all his fault. It's very emotionally intense. So imagine watching it over and over again and stopping it right at that point. All you can do is remember the trauma; it gets so intense that we wake up. We also will tend to avoid it during the day because the brain tries to process it at night when we get flooded with adrenaline; it’s just not healthy. So instead, what we want to do is help our young adults process that traumatic event and try to reach some kind of resolution. You know, the resolution in the movie is of course, Hakuna Matata and it's not your fault Simba, and then they go and they fight to defeat the bad guys. They restore nature's balance and then they go make babies and have happy times. So it's beautifully resolved in that movie.
Let's see what we can do to resolve it in our own lives. So, one technique is imagery rehearsal. It's a cognitive behavioral technique, that in one trial reduced nightmares and symptoms 60% and in another 72%; the results lasted for months to years. So this is worth trying. What we do is we retrain our brains to work through the nightmare. So we write down our memory of the nightmare or record it in some way. And then we rewrite it, changing something about it.
Again, if thinking about this overwhelms you, please work with a therapist. But here's what we do. We breathe, we choose which nightmare we're going to work on. We write up the script with the details. My favorite way of course is by using the Steer Map where we look at a situation and then our thoughts about it; our emotions, our actions and our results. Then what we want to do is to write out that script with as much detail as we can. Then when we change it, we do a different Steer Map, practicing a different thought which is going to give us a different emotion and action and result. When we read that new thought out loud and practice it, we will get a new thought emotion action triad that will help us get a different result, which is hopefully not having this nightmare over and over again. So we learn to work through that thought emotion and action that keeps us stuck.
Here's another way. You don't have to write the whole script of the nightmare. All you have to do if you want is just start with the situation. I had a dream and the thought was it was a nightmare. And the emotion is it scared me. And the result of the action was that you were thinking of all the reasons why you wanted to get out of there…you were embarrassed…you wanted to push back on those people that were making fun of you…and the result was pretty traumatic. Experience which lines up with your thought of it was a nightmare and I don't like it.
Then what we do is we go to the next Steer Map where we look at OK I had a dream last night. The thought is: it was a dream and no harm was done. The emotion is I can instill confidence. And the action is I'm confident that I can handle whatever emotion comes up in my life. I can handle that embarrassment or that fear or that anger that it was unfair. The action is you start to handle it and you process it. And of course then the result is that you process your emotion and will probably not have that nightmare again, or if you do it's less often or it's not as intense. That's the second way is that we learn to work through those thoughts, emotions and actions that keep us stuck. We're confident we can move forward. And you know, even if we do have that nightmare again, we'll wake up and say, I know I can process my own emotions. I can handle them and I feel good about how I did that.
The idea is not to avoid those memories and past experiences during the day. Because if we do, our brains are just going to have us process them at night. And so sometimes if we can just take the time out of the day, if 10 or 15 minutes that it takes to look at the original Steer Map and then the newest Steer Map; that action is amazing. I mean, it's like if we don't do it, it's like our computer needs an update. And we keep putting it off and saying later later later. And finally the computer just says it knows it needs this updated protective security or improved functionality in your apps on your computer. So I really like to think of it that way. It's like my brain has to process this and so I might as well process it during the day so I have a better sleep at night.
Another way to do it is just when you wake up and you're feeling that awful fear and embarrassment or whatever emotions are going on, you just grab something that gives you some comfort. Some sort of a sensory object; can be a pillow that smells like lavender or a super soft stuffed animal or just a pillow you normally sleep with. Or it can be recognizing that the sheets are so soft and that sort of thing. Then get up, go to the bathroom, come back. Breathe, just try to ground ourselves after having a nightmare. All of those ways are helpful.
We can also use this to Steer Map and add mantras in there. So this is how this works. If we start out with I had a dream and then we say in our thoughts “in this moment I am safe”. That helps get rid of the thought “I don't want to go sleep because I can't handle the nightmares”. Over here we say okay, I have it I will dream and in that moment I am safe. I know I'm in my bed and I know I'm safe. Do you see how we replaced the thought of “I don't want to go to sleep because I can't handle the nightmare” with “in this moment I am safe”? We can also replace it with other thoughts like “I may have another nightmare but I made it through all the other ones and I know I can do this”. And other mantras might be “I can do hard things; this is uncomfortable, but it's not dangerous. This hurts, but it doesn't harm me”.
So those are some mantra type thinking that if we put it in our Steer Map to say this hurts but it doesn't harm me that I'm kind of more neutral in my emotions. I'm a little bit more comfortable and not as jazzed so the energy level is not so high. So when I go to sleep, I practice my breathing at night to get ourself calm and go to sleep. And then hopefully that thought is the one that carries me through the night and what we also want to do is practice those thoughts during the day.
The next one; it’s kind of a summary of the first three. What we're trying to do is practice or willingness to have these dreams that are disturbing. It gets down to this kind of paradox of control. The harder we try to avoid or distract or control the situation, the worse our emotions get. What I'm arguing for is that we can learn to control our reactions by processing them and facing them, and knowing what's going on inside that lovely brain of ours (which by the way, our brain involuntarily offers us thoughts) and that's why we use our mind to control the automatic thoughts that we have. Every day. All of us do.
Here's the fifth idea. Find someone to help us look at the underlying conditions or other causes that could be creating these nightmares. Like for example, if you stopped breathing at night, you know on a regular basis, you might have recurring dreams that you’re being strangled; that makes sense. So you might want to consult a sleep specialist who can determine whether or not that is the physiological cause of your nightmares. And I'm sure they have a whole host of skills and strategies that they can help you with. So that would be the fifth idea.
The sixth idea is one that was suggested by my coach Joanie, and I really appreciate it because it has really made a difference in my life. This is my reset ritual. I know that type is very small, but just know that I will include a link to download the steps at the bottom of this video. Or when I post it I'll make sure that it's on there. And it's a reset ritual. So the theory is that if we reset ourselves consistently throughout the day, we don't go to bed jacked up, so that then our brain has to process that emotion. If we reset ourselves and get back to center as often as possible during the day, then we're more likely to get a better night's sleep and less likely to have nightmares. So when you finish a task like an email, a message, reading something, having a conference call…pause. Don't go to the next thing right away. Breathe in through the nose, expanding the ribcage and out longer than the inbreath. Notice where we are. We ground our feet to the floor. We scan the room. We write down what we just did. Check it off of our list just to celebrate, celebrate that we've accomplished that task. And we want to reinforce ourselves by reminding us ourselves how grateful we are that we got it done. We want to feel the pride and notice our progress because it's progress that really keeps us going; noticing that we're making progress. And we take another breath getting a ribcage outflow longer than the inflow as often as possible, through the nose in and out.
And then think about okay, what's next? It could be getting something else done, or it could be moving, drinking water, stretching, using our body to reregulate ourselves throughout the day. Next, set your intention and get going.
So that's my offer for how to reduce nightmares and get better sleep is to reset ourselves regularly throughout the day. Wouldn’t it be lovely if we can teach our young adults to do that? Of course you're going to want to improve. You know the Seven Strategies is what you're going to read about most often online: turn off your screens at least an hour before sleeping, make sure your phone's recharging in another room so the blue light doesn’t get to you, go to bed at a regular time, get enough sleep, make sure that you're going to bed at a time that gives you enough sleep when you wake up. Have a good bedtime routine that centers you, brushing teeth, and gratitude practice. Don’t use substances like alcohol to sleep because they just undermine every other part of your life and they frankly, don't work. They help you get to sleep but the sleepy half is not as good quality.
Of course, again, if you go back to that sleep specialist and there are some things that they offer that are pharmacological in nature, maybe for short term basis, they're a good way to fix and get you back on track. I am grateful we have all these options. I don't want to eliminate anything that could possibly help. Make sure that we do whatever they suggest to improve sleep hygiene as well.
So just to summarize what we've said, again, following Barbara Avilla’s Seeing Autism process, which is to understand, connect, and then practice, understand, connect and then practice...
What I've done is help us understand why dreams are useful. They do help us process our emotions. When we connect with ourselves, through some of those practices that I've outlined, we understand more of what's going on in our brain, why our brain is offering us these thoughts that are just automatic and what we can do together out of the automatic loops and put them record them and look at them and change them through practice. The third is change them through practice.
So those are my best thoughts on how to stop nightmares with your autistic young adult. I hope this was helpful. I think about you watching my videos and every day and you're in my thoughts. I do want to help in any way that I can. I'd love to be your coach. Thanks for watching. Come find me www.lynncdavidson.com and in any other links that are available in the notes. Bye for now.
