#1 | 3 Stages of Belief | Stage 1: Impossibility

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Hi!  This is Lynn Davison, your adulting coach.

In this video I want to describe the three stages of belief. It's really important for us to understand where we are in the stages of belief, because that's how we can uncover why our results don't line up with what we want. 

And then we can decide what to do about it. 

We must get honest with ourselves with where we really are with belief about our goal, and the progress that we want to make. 

Let's look at our actual results to measure whether or not our belief is working. 

Let's look at each domain, each part of our life, to see what we've created, what we have enough of, and what we want next, and figure out what step we need to take next, and then understand why we're not taking that step. 

And it's in our belief. 

We want to look at everything neutrally, just the facts, without going into beating ourselves up or pitying ourselves or catastrophizing the future. 

Because when we're aware and not imagining future failure, we can do something about it. We have the power to make a change, grab the steering wheel of our lives, our brains and set our GPS on the destination that we want. 

I want to help autistic young adults and their families break away from confusion land to build courage and resilience to get real, the muscles we are developing our courage and resilience, because we have to look at the facts, we have to meet ourselves where we are. That's the only place where change happens. 

So I asked my young adults and their families what they really think when they think about systemising self reliance. When they think about that life that they love, that really works for them. 

I ask them to be really honest. What is your truest most honest, authentic answer?

Many say it's just a pipe dream. It's not going to happen the way things look now, it's impossible.

And I get, I mean, I chuckle because it seems like that's the epitome of how we think, when we set really big goals like creating a life that we really love that works. In spite of all the challenges life throws at us. Our reaction is to scoff and say that's never gonna happen.

So no matter what's happening now, it fits in one of these three stages. Once we know the three stages we can figure out where we are. And that awareness is vital, we have to notice the signs of self sabotage.

When we're getting in our own way by not keeping our commitments to ourselves, to come up with a strategy to get what we want. So when we aren't aware of the stage of belief that we're in, we don't know what to do to make our goals real.

When we're in stage one, it's impossible. When we aren't aware that our beliefs create our results, we start to blame other things. It's because we can't find the right therapist, or no one who gets autism or there just isn't a job that they can do that would pay them enough to live on their own, or they really just like being where they are, they really don't want to do this.

The point of coaching is that all humans are too close to the problem to see it. Our coach helps us back away from the problem and gain perspective, so that we can see what the actual problem is, and work toward the solution that awareness is everything. It's how we've transformed from believing it's impossible to it's probable to it's inevitable.

5:14  

In stage one, we really don't consider the possibility of something because it just seems so impossible.

Here's the way our brain presents this belief, it can sound like, "I don't know what to do. I don't have the time, I have no idea. I have to do this thing first before I can do that."

And where are we going to get the funds that I have no idea how to help them make the connection between the beliefs and their results is see watch our brains direct us back to what is more probable. Because when we have to do something about systemising self reliance, it's uncomfortable.

We avoid deciding what we want and what we're going to do to get it, because it's just easier to stay on the path we're on, we distract ourselves.

We scroll on Facebook, or Netflix or eat or drink. Something will come up that we have to do now.

We think, "I can't manage my own life, let alone coach them to create theirs."

This is when we decide it's helpless, look at the evidence I have showing how incapable I am. "I can't figure this out."

Our brains take us back to our previous identity, the way we've the patterns of thought we've always had, because it's comfortable. Let's just keep doing what we've been doing.

When we're in impossibility, when we know our goal is important, but we just don't honor our words to ourselves, we don't make that commitment and keep it.

We just don't do what we say we're going to do. You know the things that will move you to the next level, we all do.

And when we do those feels different, how we feel in our body is different. We want to be super aware of what's happening in here.

We totally get to decide what we're going to do, always. But one way will feel a little bit like we let ourselves down. And the other way, when we take that tiny step in the direction of our dreams. It just feels better. It is works with your center. Just more satisfied.

And listen, I also think it's important to note that the things come up in the stage when we're in impossibility to keep us from honoring our commitments to ourselves, about who we're going to be, and what we're going to do and what we want to achieve.

All of the things that come up, they feel very real, very true, very important and urgent and justified. And if anyone dares challenge us on those ideas, we get mad.

And when I'm defensive, I know I'm in stage one. I know I need to be noticing my thoughts. I know that I'm in impossibility.

Anytime I'm justifying where I am. Anytime I'm finding reasons for staying there because that's what our brain does, to make us feel better, to make us feel safe.

We do know that feeling good all the time, isn't really what we want. We've seen how feeling uncomfortable, helps us progress. And then when we do what we need to do anyway. We do progress.

So we know this. Why don't we do it?

All of those questions, they just feel very important. It really does feel like I'm just missing something, there's something missing. If I could get that piece of information, then I would believe.

That's how it comes up for me it's like, no, you don't understand, I need to do more research, for real, I mean I need to compare all the options and then I need to decide what's the best one.

And then I think that if I did have that vital information, I would definitely be taking the steps to move forward to help my own adult systemize self reliance.

But be careful. If it feels very real and then not taking action or failing will even feel justified. And I tell myself it's because I just, it just wasn't very clear what I needed to do. You know because I just didn't you know I didn't have the right formula.

Doesn't this make sense? I mean my brain likes to justify not doing that next step.

10:13  

I just don't like it when things are uncertain.

And there's that moment when I really see it. I see the pattern. This is what I'm thinking. So I feel confused, so I don't commit to an action. And that's what happens.

Then I realized, wait a minute, it wasn't true that I was confused, or making the wrong decision. It was my brain not believing that what we have just decided, was the right thing, and believing that I could do it, and believing that I'd be okay, even if I failed, that I was gonna feel that uncomfortable feeling, and that was it.

I'm just in that impossibilities stage. So finally, impossible.

We also say to ourselves and others. You know, we say to ourselves and others, that we're working so hard and nothing works. We're lovely martyr ourselves we exhaust ourselves, and we take all this action but we don't get any results to show for all that effort.

And this really adds to confusion, because when I work with clients in this stage they tell me that they don't understand why they're not getting results.

They describe how much they're doing, and how much effort they're putting into it, and they're just, you know, this is just just not happening anytime that's happening, where we're taking action, and we're not getting the result for long periods of time, and we feel like we're sort of spinning in confusion.

And we're saying I don't understand I'm doing so much we know we're stuck in stage one.

That's when I get coached, when I get stuck in impossible. And my coach asks me a few questions, helps me sort out my thoughts.

And I realize that's what's going on, it just became so clear.

I have the right focus, I want to become the person my young adults consult. I want to encourage them to take action and warn them to notice what's happening in their brain.

And I can do this. I can become the coach they need to help them systemize self reliance. I'm going to be okay doing it.

It's just impossibility, my belief that it's impossible. That's getting in my way.

It doesn't seem logical but also in this stage where we, we just don't feel any drama. But yeah, this is the stage where we can just be fantasizing about our goal when we don't present our dream in a way that it's believable. We can think that we're believing, but our brain really isn't convinced we know that this is happening when we don't have any drama at all.

Then, when you first allow belief to come in. That's when the drama comes up all the excuses and obstacles and objections and thoughts that disprove that it's possible that are triggered by the possibility of it being real. Those are the reasons why we're not getting things done.

But now we know they're there.

I've seen this happen when one of my young adults drops out and something and I'm waiting for the meltdown, and it doesn't happen. I mean, they said was something they wanted, and then a challenge came up and they just stopped doing what they needed to do and let themselves get distracted. That's when I know they're thinking this big goal is impossible. I believe that they're in stage one, and that there is some work to do on their belief. Interesting.

They don't say those words to me. In fact, they don't even think about their goal, because they really thought it was impossible so they gave up. They presented that goal to themselves and then forgot all about it and let things fly and you know things happen maybe distract themselves, and they stopped.

To the brain says you presented me with this thing and it's very clear on their strategies to hurt yourself and as possible. Now, even have to know her and get her own coffee. I'll be right there.

Okay. Because it's, you know, not the way that our brains are programmed to keep us alive, to keep us safe, to keep us, you know, part of the tribe.

15:13  

Knowing this is great news.

I know it feels bad to find this out in the beginning, especially if you've been putting yourself through so much work and spinning your wheels because you really didn't believe.

And you aren't aware that your belief was the problem. But when you're aware, when you become aware that these are the signs and symptoms of not believing, you can do something about it.

We grab the wheel of our minds and steer it in the direction that we want to go. My job is to point that out as often as I see it as your coach, and your job then is to find it as often as possible in yourself.

Then teach our young adults to see it in themselves to notice their thinking and what it creates, because when we step back, we can see our young adults in impossibility.

And that really is the point of me doing this video for you is to level up your awareness of the way that our beliefs factor into the results in fact they're always the cause of the results that we create.

So this is uncomfortableness, when our brain doesn't go there, or our brain works very hard to discredit going there, or when we feel really great about our dreams. Oh look, I've set these dreams, things of zero drama, they're not, you know, getting ourselves motivated, we're not feeling those emotions that drive us that determination drives us forward.

Notice, if you are here. And maybe if you're young adult is there too.

And if any of these things in this video, ring true. This will our thoughts will always be the cause of why we aren't making progress in our lives, or in helping our autistic young adults systemize theirs.

So, in the next video, we will dive into turning impossibility into possible into possibility.

And please remember if you want to dive deeper into this work into the very specifics, you want to learn the tools that I use and teach my clients to use to help them create a life they love that works, just click on any of the buttons on the page where you found this video to explore The Art of Adulting and decide if it's right for you and your family.

Bye for now.