#80 | Ask This Question and Instantly Improve Adulting Actions

Watch the webclass, "4-Part Roadmap to Encourage Adulting Actions."

Get the Preview of the workbook, When Autism Grows Up by Lynn C Davison, Adulting Coach, Available in Fall 2022.

Download, "The Quick Start Guide to STEAR Mapping"

RESOURCES

• Pediatric Speech & Language Specialists on Declarative Language
• Yulia Rafailova's Q&A on Resistance, Chaos and Transformation
• The Childhood Collective: Help Your Child Regulate by Using Declarative Language
• Living Well With Autism on Declarative Language
• RDI Connect

Hi there. It's Lynn, your adulting coach.

What question would instantly improve adulting actions with your autistic high school graduate? Let's figure that one out.

It's a trick title because it's not a question. It's a declarative statement. Okay. You can have a declarative question, too.

But the bottom line is that often when we ask a question, it requires or demands an answer. And sometimes that can light up that middle part of our loved ones brain, and they can go right into fight or flight and turn off that prefrontal cortex that helps them solve problems. We don't want to do that. We want to continue to connect with them when their prefrontal cortex and especially with their prefrontal cortex turned on.

So here's what we want to do. We want to keep in mind that demands can make our kids feel inadequate, and that right there, "I'm not good enough," is a common worry for the whole human race.

And especially for those who are autistic high school graduates. It seems like they've had a tough time being a stranger in the strange world of education. And now they are in the adult world, trying to find their way and I'm certain that all those memories of being "othered" makes it tough for them to put themselves out there without feeling that anxiety.

So what we want to do is use declarative language because it will help them feel competent. Understood, and that they can understand the world better. And it can help them develop self awareness and help them self advocate which is the number one skill we want to encourage with our  autistic high school graduates while we're here, so that when our runway runs out, they have had plenty of experience practicing self advocating.

So let me just describe all the benefits of declarative language.

1. It helps us share our experiences when and our memories when we say things in a declarative way, it's not Do you remember when it's more like, Oh, I remember when and you fill in, what the memory was.
2. You notice things better. Instead of "Did you notice?" We say "Look, I notice that I've got a guy doing his lawn outside my window, and I can hear the noise."
3. Let's solve this problem together. Here's where I'm coming from.
4. And we make a statement and it gives them the option to communicate more creatively and more creatively and creatively. Great slide. I'll fix that later.

But the bottom line is the communicate with more freedom. We want them to do that.

So let me give you some examples. This is us stating out loud what we think using declarative language.

• Instead of saying get your shoes, we say I want to wear shoes.
• Instead of saying hang up your coat and you know, come eat.
• We say hmm, I noticed your coat is on the bench and not in the closet.
• You know, get your lunch out. This these are pretty young or youth oriented.
• But, um, you know, put down your iPad. Hmm. I noticed that when you're on your iPad, there's not a whole lot of give and take.
• Wash your hands other commands.
• Look at me when I'm talking. Oh my. We know not to do that!
• Pick the scraps of paper up off the floor. I see scraps of paper off the floor in my case it was this morning. I see a lot of weeds that we've gotta get out of gardens before it gets too hot and we don't want to be out here. That's what we did this morning.
• Finish that in three minutes.
• Let me get rid of that. I can do that. I have to do that every year. I'm gonna get rid of it.
• Name it so you can see it better.
• Finish that in three minutes or huh. Oh my look at the time or how much time do you know how much time do we have left?
• And you know, single wet towel. That seems to happen a lot around our house. It's like, "I know that if that's how we're hung up it would be dry by the next time you need it."

So that's great. Those are great examples. I think pretty much that I stole from an article that I was reading that's referred to in the in that you'll get a copy of that a link to in the transcript. So those are great examples of how we can use declarative language instead of an imperative command.

So let's go to the next thought here that when we use declarative language

• To model our own self narratives to
• help them develop his or her inner voice that is very useful. I noticed that I was pretty triggered yesterday on our walk and I want to apologize for that. So that helps them understand Oh, she must be thinking about that.
• Provide a window into another person's perspective. This morning, my daughter reacted to something that a comment that I made like, you know, wow, you're doing a great job and she said, "Mom, don't do that." And I said, "I was just trying to just trying to encourage you." She said, "Oh, I hadn't thought about that." She's funny.
• So it helps them zoom out to see the big picture of what we're overall trying to address here.
• And it encourages them to problem solve because making a declarative statement actually triggers that prefrontal cortex so that we can get some more thinking going on.
• And it gives them reasons to read what is going on around them.

So these are all really strong payoffs for declarative language. So let's look at some examples. So it doesn't mean that we can't ask a question we can. It's just that we don't want to rush to the answer.

• So here, how are you going to know what you need?
• How are you going to know what's important?
• How are you going to decide where to set that up?
• How are you going to decide what to do first?
• How do you know when you're done?
• How did that work out?
• How long do you think that took?
• How did you manage or know how to do that thing?
• And now that it's over, would you do anything differently?

I think these are wonderful examples of questions that we can ask as long as a deep breath at the end. And try not to answer the question, because we're trying to encourage self reliance. We're trying to encourage self advocacy so we really want them to look at we really want to say a question that doesn't demand an answer immediately, and we don't want to fill in the blanks for them.

Declarative language is not questions or commands that have a specific right or wrong answer. Or demanding. We're inviting a response but we don't require or demand it.

So let's do this. I understand. I've been doing this myself for the past month or so not only with my own family but also with my clients. And I have found that I need to be very mindful about how I am coaching.

And I also find that really helps. It's not easy to do, but I try to at least go 50/50 at first and just see if I can notice whether or not I'm making a declarative statement or a declarative question, instead of one that demands an answer.

I think that's going to be the best way that we can encourage those adulting actions that we really want to make happen so that they have a lot of practice creating a life they love that works before our runway runs out.

Bye for now.