#9 | Not Ready to Leave Home

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• Marie Forleo EVERYTHING IS FIGUREOUTABLE

Hi, I’m Lynn your adulting coach. Today we have a mom that we're going to cover who has a 17 year old son who really wants to move out and go to college. She thinks he isn't ready and really wishes things were better. So her question, her struggle had several parts and I broke them all down, because I thought it was really important that we look at all the thoughts that are creating this discomfort for our mom. 

Part one is that she believes that her son is not advancing to self sufficiency and regulating what he wants to do versus what he needs to do. We see this a lot, don’t we? In fact, we see it in ourselves. Often it's just so much more fun and reinforcing to stay in our comfort zone, yet we know that we have to push ourselves to grow. In doing that we're going to have to be a little bit uncomfortable. So what's happening is that her 17 year old just hasn't developed the skill yet to defer gratification, to embrace the fear of going forward into that discomfort and getting those things done that need to get done. It's actually very common among the group of autistic young adults. In fact, the way that I like to think about it is if we just take our developmental expectations of our kids, and instead of thinking of them from zero to 18, we go from zero to 30. And we stretch the timeline because really at 17 years old, our children are just beginning to develop the capability in their brain to be able to notice their thoughts and decide which thoughts are working for them, and which ones are not. Because they were born with a brain that is on hyper alert, and because of that hyper alert status, they shut down more often because we really don't grow very well when we're in fear. So there's a whole progressive change that doesn’t happen at the same pace as they do with somebody with an autistic brain who isn't always in fear. And so that delay just creates a cascading effect. And that's what you know, what causes the delay. That's why autism is a developmental disability; a developmental delay. So we just need to change our expectations and stretch them out over a longer period of time. Their brain can grow and learn as long as they're willing to embrace the discomfort. We have to teach them how to do that. 

So part two of her concern is that he really does want to move out, but he doesn't have the necessary skills to live independently. And that also makes perfect sense. I mean, his brain is saying, don't stay where you are; someplace else might be better. Let's move on, you know, let's escape. And that makes perfect sense. But it also makes perfect sense for you to be saying,wait a minute, I don't see what I need to see before I'm willing to send you off to a college campus with the money, time and energy putting you into that environment, knowing that you just don't have the skills yet to make that happen. 

So it makes sense to me that the son wants to move out and it also makes perfect sense to me that the mom is saying “wait a minute, I don’t see what I want right here.” And that's why sometimes it really is better to have them understand that you are the one that is setting the boundaries and that there's a series of steps that they're going to have to go through in order to prove that to you they are a good investment of your funds, energy and time. And it probably will include taking some courses at a local community college where you can go right from where you live at home and you don't have to take on all the independence skills that you haven't quite mastered yet. After you've done that for a while and completed coursework at the community college, and maybe gotten at least a year’s worth of courses done, then we can consider whether or not we're willing to put you in an independent living situation on campus. 

So the next thing is that mom is just paralyzed with depression. She's finding all these thoughts and challenges that are making her feel very, very sad, very disappointed. And then what happens with that, my son isn't doing well. Then she layers on top of that, and it's my fault. And look at all the proof that I have that he's not doing as well as our neighbor's child. And it's got to be because of something I did when he was in utero or that I didn't put him in ABA training early enough for whatever it is. We just keep layering all the reasons why. And pretty soon we're under this pile of emotions that is really hard to dig out from underneath. It makes perfect sense that you're depressed mom, I get it. I've been there. And I just want you to know that you can get better. 

We can grow our way out of these depressed states one tiny action at a time. And I have set of course videos inside the Art of Adulting that addresses how to conquer depression. I also advocate that you work with a professional because in some cases medication may be necessary. If it is, aren't we lucky we have that option. And just look at it as a short term need. Then over the long term, you will be able to train your brain out of that depression state by using your mind to decide what's the course. 

She's also noticed that he is very resistant to try and get things. Yeah, he doesn't want to get out of his comfort zone. He doesn't understand quite yet how his thoughts are creating the results that he's getting and how he needs to look at his thoughts and see if he can wiggle them and move them into something that might be more productive. We sang a song in our house “no, no, no, no” with our little one when she was young because we knew that no matter what we proposed to her, we were gonna get a NO. We were just trying to lighten it up a little bit so that maybe she would consider that no wasn't always the most appropriate answer.

But  you know, it's actually probably going to be something that he'll be defaulting to for a very long time until he realizes and catches himself and says, “Oh, maybe no isn't always the first answer to every new opportunity”. When he's changed from that fixed mindset to the growth mindset, and realizes that he needs to embrace those opportunities and take a deep breath and feel the fear and do it anyway, then he can start growing. His trajectory of growth can go up at a steeper slope, but right now, when he's resisting everything, he's just not going to grow very fast. We have to accept that that's where he is right now, and figure out how can we make those growth opportunities for him a little less scary, maybe taking  one thing at a time. 

She's also concerned, which is a common concern, that he has no friends or interests outside of screens. So why is it that our kids are so intrigued by the screens? You may be hearing my daughter laughing? She likes to watch YouTube videos, and they make her laugh, and when they make her laugh, what does she get? She gets endorphins from that laughter and it makes her feel good. Who can blame her for wanting to use the screen for that purpose? It makes perfect sense. And there's even some social aspects of these video games, though. Not just YouTube, but the video games as well. Where you can talk about how you were able to conquer various levels, you level up and other people have similar interests. It makes sense that they want to spend a lot of time on their screens. 

What doesn't work for them though, is if they over rely on the stimulation from the screens because of the positive endorphins that it creates. Over reliance on that is gonna create a life of stagnation. And that's what we don't want to have. So yes, you are right mama and looking at that and saying there needs to be some more structure in our kid's life. Because if not, he'll default to the screen every time. It makes perfect sense why he does it. That's where you and your wisdom and knowledge about life recognize that some things have to change, that there have to be some limits placed on the amount of time that we get our endorphins from that idea. 

So number six, “my friend’s kids are doing better. You know, I really wish you were different. I feel bad, but it's really true”. Yeah, I know. That's where we get caught up in that compare and despair trap. When we compare our kids to the other and they're not in the same place, we think we've done something wrong in their lives. We just do this negative future projection that their life is never going to be as good and we are never going to get rid of these children. Whatever it is that you want to think that your brain offers you. You know, that says I wish things were different. I wish I had a magic wand and can wave it on their brain and they would be able to learn and grow at the same rate. I get it, but I gotta tell you, that thinking is just not helpful. I know. 

So that's where we get to acceptance. I mean, that's so many of the wise sages of the ages have told us that the first step in any path toward change, is to accept where we are, which is not so easy to do. The way that I tried to do that is to first recognize that it may feel very true to us that we would wish that something were different. It may feel very true, but it's a thought. It's not a fact. Not everyone would agree. You know, look at all the comments that we get on our Facebook posts when we are in despair and wish that things were different. Lots of people are out there disagreeing with us, saying our kids are wonderful and let's just move on from there. 

So we know that the most useful thought for us is okay, this is what's happening. How can we figure this out? I love Marie Forleo’s Everything is Figure-out-able. What is the very next small step that we can take where we can incrementally just make every day a tiny bit better, because we know that over time, that the compound effect will make a big difference in our lives. Is that inch one thinking, if we can figure out one part one domain, let's look at one domain at a time, break life into 10 parts and look at each domain and have them decide what they want to get and how they're going to improve. That's how we can get them to create a life that they love. That works for the whole family.

Please join me in the Art of Adulting where I teach you exactly how to create this process, put it in place, give it to your child, they'll have it for the rest of their life. The skills and the process that I teach all boils down to a spreadsheet is free from Google Sheets. We can do this; we know we can do this. We can help our young autistic young adults to use their mind to train their brain to create a life they love that works. Bye for now.