Imagine, just for a moment, what if your son or daughter never changed?
They never became more motivated. They never became more organized. They never accepted your advice. They never made the progress you're hoping for.
It's a painful thought, but here's the question I'd like for you to sit with: If your son or daughter never changed, who would you want to become in your relationship with them?
Because that question changed my life.
Look, I know we naturally focus on changing the other person. When someone we love is struggling, our minds naturally focus on them. How do we motivate them? How do we convince them? How can we help them understand? How can we get them unstuck?
It makes perfect sense. We love our children. We want to spare them unnecessary suffering.
But after more than 3600 conversations with autistic young adults and their families, I've noticed something: the families who experience the greatest transformation often aren't the ones whose young adult changes first. They're the ones whose parents change first.
All right. There are only three things we can influence. We can influence what we notice. We can influence how we interpret it, and we can influence how we respond.
Everything else belongs to someone else.
That's both humbling and incredibly frustrating, and freeing at the same time.
So let's imagine two parents watching the exact same situation. Their daughter stays in her room all afternoon. One parent thinks she's wasting her life. The other wonders, I wonder what today feels like for her.
Same behavior, different relationship, different future.
The greatest change wasn't in the daughter; it was in the parent.
That's why the first step of the peace practice is pause before trying to change another person.
We pause. We notice what's happening inside of us. What emotions are showing up? Fear, disappointment, grief, helplessness, love, frustration.
Because how we show up begins long before we speak.
Next comes empathize, not only with our young adults but also with ourselves. What are we worried might happen right now? What part of me is trying so hard to protect my child?
Often our frustration is simply fear wearing armor.
Then we align what matters most here: being right, winning, or preserving a relationship where trust can continue to grow.
Then we collaborate instead of solving. We become curious. We go back and forth. We invite instead of persuade.
Finally, we experiment, not with changing them, but with changing ourselves, because that's what we can control.
Perhaps this week we just listen five minutes longer. Perhaps we ask one more question or make one more statement before we give them advice. Perhaps we celebrate one tiny success we would normally overlook.
Cause here's the paradox: it's beautiful.
When parents stop trying to control, young adults often become more willing to take ownership, not because they were pressured, because they finally have enough psychological safety to grow.
Growth can't be forced; it can be invited.
So, you want to be the kind of person that you approve of.
If our son or daughter never changed, would we still want to become, let's see, more patient, more compassionate, more curious, more peaceful, more accepting, more hopeful?
Because while we can't choose another person's path. We can always change who we become while walking beside them.
Our gift, the greatest gift we can give our autistic young adults, isn't the perfect strategy. It's becoming the kind of person who makes growth feel safe.
So today, instead of asking, "How do I change my son or daughter?" let's ask, "Who do I want to become in this relationship?
That question may not change them, but it just might change everything.
Download the peaceful progress worksheet, and just see if maybe you can start with one part of it.
Bye for now.
