I'd like to share what I believe are the 10 habits of parents who help their autistic young adults become increasingly self-reliant. Notice I didn't say perfect parents. I didn't say parents who always know the answer. I said parents who practice certain habits every day, because our habits shape our families far more than our intentions.
Let's see if any of these habits make sense to you.
Habit number one: pause before solving.
The first habit is simple, but it changes everything, and it takes practice. When something feels off, we pause before trying to solve it.
Instead of immediately asking, "What do I do to fix this? we ask, "Hmm, something is happening inside me right now. Am I feeling afraid, frustrated, disappointed, protective.
That one breath creates space between our emotions and our response, and then we choose our next response.
Habit number two: see our young adults as capable.
Our brains naturally notice what's missing. We notice what isn't getting done. What successful people parent, what successful parents intentionally practice is noticing what's growing.
They look for evidence of capability. Maybe their young adult made a phone call, cooked a meal, showed kindness, solved a problem, asked a question.
Every day, they notice what their young adult did today that demonstrates growing independence. That helps the brain feel better, and because what we notice grows,
habit number three: coach instead of manage.
This is one of the biggest transitions in parenting. When our children are young, we manage. As they become adults, we coach.
Managers give answers. Coaches make statements instead of asking, "What what are you thinking? We say, "Please share your thoughts. I've seen you do what matters. Imagine yourself taking one step,
the goal isn't raising someone who follows directions. The goal is raising someone who learns to direct their own life.
Habit number four: Center ourselves first.
Our nervous systems are contagious. If we're anxious, our young adults often become more anxious. If we're calm, we create space for all of us to think.
That doesn't mean we never get frustrated. It means we notice our own state before trying to influence theirs.
One of my favorite statements is, "Let me respond from my strengths, love, curiosity, and determination.
Habit number five: Practice compassionate curiosity.
Instead of noticing what's wrong with them, we begin seeing their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors make perfect sense from their perspective.
Behavior is communication. Behavior always serves a purpose. Our job isn't to immediately correct the behavior. Our job is first understand what problem their nervous system might be trying to solve.
Curiosity builds connection. Judgment creates distance.
Habit number six: focus on one right-sized step.
Parents often feel like they have to solve adulthood, and that's overwhelming. Instead, we say, let's imagine one right size step, not the whole journey, just today's next step.
One email, one conversation, one application, one load of laundry, because momentum grows one step at a time.
Habit number seven: Protect the relationship.
The relationship is always more important than winning the argument. Before offering advice, we ask ourselves. Or we remind ourselves: understanding comes before advice, because people are far more open to influence after they feel understood.
Connection comes before correction.
All right, habit number eight: stay curious and keep learning.
The best coaches never stopping students. Every book we read, every podcast we listen to, every conversation we have helps us understand autism, nervous systems, communication, and relationships a little better.
Learning isn't something we ask of our young adults. It's something we modeled ourselves.
Habit number nine: Celebrate progress.
Our brains are wired to notice problems, and that's helpful for survival. But it isn't always helpful for relationships.
Successful parents intentionally celebrate progress. At the end of each day, they say, "Let's notice what went well today. What improved? What strength did we see?
Progress builds confidence. Confidence builds momentum.
Habit number 10: Be the example.
This may be one of the most important habits of all. Our young adults learn far more from watching us than listening to us.
They watch how we handle disappointment, how we repair, how we set boundaries, how we treat ourselves, how we respond when life doesn't go our way.
In many ways, we're teaching adulthood every single day, whether we're speaking or not.
So perhaps the most powerful statement we say to ourselves is, I am becoming the kind of adult I hope my young adult becomes.
As we finish today, I'd like to leave you with one thought.
The art of adulting has never been about producing perfect young adults. It's about helping young adults gradually become the directors of their own lives, and our role as parents gradually changes too.
We become less of a manager and more of a trusted coach. They consult us, we encourage them, and we warn when appropriate, but ultimately we trust that our young adult is capable of deciding, deciding, experimenting, and learning.
This week, I invite you to choose just one of these 10 habits to practice intentionally. Download the PDF.
You don't have to do all 10; just one, because self-reliance, both theirs and ours, is built one right-sized step at a time.
Bye for now.
