Hi, I'm Lynn Davison, founder of The Art of Adulting.
We parents and grandparents of autistic or neurodivergent young adults have spent years helping them navigate life.
We've advocated for them.
We've protected them.
We've solved problems.
We've done everything we could to help them succeed.
That's exactly what loving parents do.
But there's a challenge that many of us discover as our children move from academics into adulthood.
Sometimes, the things we've done to help can unintentionally make it harder for them to develop self-reliance.
I know because I've done all of these things in my 40-plus years of parenting our six neurodivergent adult children.
So this isn't about blame.
We're all doing the best we can with the information we have.
This video invites us to notice a few patterns that can get in the way of growth and offers some ways to shift toward supporting self-reliance, one small step at a time.
Let's dive in.
Number 1. We Solve Problems Too Quickly
One of the easiest traps for parents to fall into is solving problems because they're uncomfortable—and we'd like everyone to feel more comfortable.
Solving problems feels good.
That's what our brains are designed to do.
We see our young adult frustrated.
Something goes wrong.
A conflict happens.
A payment gets missed.
A problem at work comes up.
Before they can even think about what to do, we're already offering solutions.
Why?
Because we're experienced.
We know how to fix it.
We want to help.
The problem is that problem-solving is a skill.
Skills only develop through practice.
When we consistently solve problems for our young adults, they don't get enough opportunities to learn that they can solve problems themselves.
Instead of immediately offering a solution, let's pause.
Let's validate what's happening inside of them.
"Hey, you seem uncomfortable."
"This is tough."
"Something really feels uncertain."
We don't have to abandon them.
We simply move from being the problem solver to being the coach.
Number 2. We Do Things They Could Learn to Do
This one often comes from efficiency.
It's faster to make the appointment ourselves.
Fill out the form.
Order the food.
Handle the phone call.
But every time we do something they could potentially learn to do, we accidentally remove an opportunity for growth.
Notice I said *could learn.*
Not *should already know.*
Not *can do it perfectly.*
Could learn.
Most autistic and neurodivergent young adults need more support, more repetition, and more practice.
That's simply the way their brains are wired.
And that's okay.
The goal isn't adulting overnight.
The goal is increasing self-reliance one small step at a time.
A simple approach is:
I do it—you watch.
Then we do it together.
Then you do it while I watch.
Then you do it independently.
That's how we gradually build competence, confidence, and self-reliance.
Number 3. We Protect Them From Discomfort
As parents, we hate seeing our children struggle.
Especially when they've already faced challenges that many other people don't understand.
So when anxiety shows up or something feels uncertain, our instinct is often to remove the obstacle.
But confidence doesn't come from avoiding discomfort.
Confidence comes from experiencing discomfort and discovering:
"Oh... I can handle this."
Growth lives just outside our comfort zone.
I know we've all heard that before.
Doing it isn't easy.
It doesn't mean throwing someone into the deep end.
It means helping them take the next right-sized step.
When our young adult feels overwhelmed, instead of rescuing them, we can simply say:
"Let's talk about what might help."
Or:
"One small step forward might be..."
Or simply:
"I'm here to support you."
Support doesn't always mean removing the challenge.
Sometimes support means staying beside them while they face it.
Number 4. We Focus More on the Gap Than the Gain
Our brains are naturally wired to notice what needs work.
That's part of survival.
It's also part of being a caring parent.
But if most of our conversations focus on what isn't working, our young adults can begin to feel like they're constantly falling short.
Most neurodivergent young adults already carry a lifetime of feeling behind.
They don't need more evidence that they're struggling.
They need evidence that they're growing.
Notice their effort.
Notice their persistence.
Notice their courage.
Notice their responsibility.
Notice their progress.
Say things like:
"I noticed you stuck with that longer than you used to."
"I saw you handle that differently."
"That took courage."
Growth happens when effort gets recognized.
Number 5. We Decide What Success Looks Like
This may be the most important one.
Most parents have a picture of what success looks like.
We want our young adult to have friends.
A job.
Purpose.
A meaningful life.
Those desires come from love.
But real motivation doesn't come from our vision.
It comes from theirs.
The young adults who make progress are often the ones who begin developing a picture of the life *they* want—not the life we want for them.
That's why, at Art of Adulting, we spend so much time helping young adults create, develop, and sustain their Life GPS.
Before we ask what they want next, though, we start somewhere very important.
We begin with:
"What have you already accomplished?"
Many neurodivergent young adults spend years hearing about what isn't working...
What still needs improvement...
Or what they haven't done yet.
Before we focus on the future, we need to help them recognize the progress they've already made.
That's exactly why we created the Peaceful Progress Worksheet.
This worksheet walks families through ten domains of adult life.
For each domain, we ask just two questions:
"What have you done?"
And:
"What's next?"
Notice we don't start with problems.
We start with progress.
Because when young adults can see evidence of growth, they're much more willing to believe they can keep growing.
The worksheet also helps families have conversations without blame, shame, or power struggles.
Instead of focusing on what's wrong, it helps everyone identify one right-sized step toward the life they want to build.
When young adults begin to see both where they've been and where they want to go, something shifts.
They begin developing their own internal compass.
Their own Life GPS.
And our role changes too.
We stop being the person who constantly tells them where they should go.
We become the guide standing beside them as they discover where they want to go.
If you'd like to try this with your young adult, download the free Peaceful Progress Worksheet using the link below.
Set aside 20 to 30 minutes every couple of weeks.
Pick one life domain each time.
Celebrate what's already been accomplished.
Then identify one right-sized next step together.
You may be surprised how much easier it is to talk about the future when you begin by honoring the progress that's already been made.
If there's one thing I'd like you to remember, it's this:
Self-reliance isn't built through lectures.
It's built through small steps.
It's built when young adults are trusted.
When they're allowed to struggle safely.
When they're encouraged to solve problems.
When their effort is noticed.
And when they're given opportunities to build a life that matters to them.
None of us will do this perfectly.
I certainly didn't.
But every time we shift from rescuing to coaching...
From directing to partnering...
From solving to supporting...
...we create another opportunity for growth.
And those opportunities, repeated over time, are what help young adults build the self-reliance they need for adulthood.
Thank you for being here.
Now go download the free Peaceful Progress Worksheet using the link in the description below.
Bye for now.
