0:00:00 Hi everyone, it's officially 11 o'clock, and, um, I'm still learning the technology for Zoom, so if you could mute yourself that way, there isn't any background noise, I would really appreciate it.
0:00:13 I promise you that you, that I will, um, send you the link shortly for this video if you want to watch it on the replay.
0:00:21 and I'm also transcribing it so sometimes I find that it's just easier to read the transcription and sometimes I do both.
0:00:30 So I'm going to make that available to you as well. Also, if you, um, prefer listening instead of watching, I'm going to take off the audio and make it, um, available to you in a podcast format.
0:00:44 So you'll, you'll see that all those options will be available to you if you want to re-watch what I'm doing.
0:00:51 I've also made available in the last three emails to you two workbooks. One for you and one for your autistic young adult.
0:00:59 and I, I, I did that. It sounds like I may have switched to a different language. No, I'm definitely, anyway, um, I do that inside of my program.
0:01:12 So I call my young autistic young adults, I call them graduates because that's what they are. And I want to remind us all of how much they have already achieved.
0:01:22 And that means that we have absolutely have hope for the future as to what they're going to achieve in their future.
0:01:29 They've graduated and they're on their way. So, um, I wanted to let you know about that. I'm also going to, I'm going to share the 11 mentor methods for about the next 45, 50 minutes.
0:01:42 And I'm hoping there will be about 10, 15 minutes left where I can answer some of your questions. You can put them in the chat, but I will not be answering them during the call while I'm presenting because I'm the only one here.
0:01:56 It's me. So I don't have a staff that's going to, you know, be able to and answer. And if you could just do me the favor of muting yourself, I would really appreciate it as you come in.
0:02:07 I don't know why I thought I got all the settings right. And you would be muted automatically, but it's, you know, it's zoom.
0:02:15 And we're just so happy about that. So, um, if you don't get your answers, the answers to the questions that you want answered during the Q and a, or if I don't answer them in my presentation, send them to me.
0:02:29 I want to answer your questions. questions. So with all the emails you've gotten from me, I know you have my email address.
0:02:35 So just reply to anything I've sent you and I will answer your questions. So I am so excited to share this with you.
0:02:42 It has taken me nine years to figure this out. So, um, it's, it's, it's just a thrill that you're all here.
0:02:50 So that's, this is just a reminder that that's what the front of the workbook looks like. When you click on the link, it's going to ask you to make a copy.
0:02:58 I do that so you can use it. As a workbook. So you can add and subtract and add your own notes in there, but I just, it's not exactly what I'm presenting today.
0:03:09 So don't open it up now. Just take your own notes, you know, if you want to, or just, you know, really focus on what I'm telling you, because as I've mentioned, you're going to get the replay, the transcript and the audio with there.
0:03:21 So I am so excited that, you know, if you're a, if that, if you're a do-it-yourself artist, if you could just mute yourself, I'm sorry that I didn't get the tech right.
0:03:34 And you're not muted automatically. You know, we just love tech, don't we? And then sometimes we hate it when it doesn't work the way we want it to work.
0:03:43 So if you're a do-it-yourselfer, I want you to be able to mentor well on your own, because you're going to make the world a better place for your family and for, and lead the way for others.
0:03:56 So I want you to have what I'm presenting here so that you can try to do it yourself. I've done it both ways.
0:04:02 I've done it by myself. That's what I did before I started my program. And I've done it inside my program.
0:04:09 And I have found that I make peaceful progress easier, faster, and umm, you know, just better when I'm part of a group.
0:04:20 So I hope you'll consider joining me inside of my program. So we're going to kick things off today with a quick quiz.
0:04:28 And please tell me what you think in the chat. I'm not. I would love to see your thoughts, um, on how many of our autistic high school graduates, when they got their diploma, want to live on their own.
0:04:41 What do you think the number is? Is it 50, 180% or none of them? Put your answer. Okay, just put it right in the chat there for me if you wouldn't mind.
0:04:52 That'd be great. Yeah. I would love to see. I'd love to see. Okay. All right. I got lots of good.
0:05:00 You guys are right on. You on it. You guys are on this. None of them. Okay. Yeah. There we are.
0:05:06 Joanne. How are you? Umm, there's Jody. Hey, Jody. Jody. Yes, Miss Dofsa. Yes, nice to see you. Nice to see you all here.
0:05:18 Thank you for all your um, for your, for your guesses. Here's what the research suggests. Here is what the research says.
0:05:29 It says that 80% of the Love you. Autistic high school graduates want to live on their own. That means that they've gotten the message from society that that's what people expect.
0:05:40 Okay, good. Well, now that, now that they've been informed by the outside, well, let's see what they do on the inside.
0:05:46 And, but this is good because this is good news. We're working on what they want to work on. We want them prepared to live on their own and they want to live on their own.
0:05:54 So it's great when we're aligned. All right. So let's just do a little reality check. About 10 or 12 years after graduating.
0:06:01 We'll see video. How are most of them doing? Let's put your guests in the chat again. Is it, you know, 25% of them are living on their own.
0:06:11 Half of them, 80% or none of them are living on their own. Just let me know what you think the answer is in the chat.
0:06:19 I would appreciate it. Yes, 30. Oh, there's Lenore. Hi. Yes. Nancy, how are you? Yes. Oh, it's good. So good to see everybody.
0:06:29 So the answer is, uh, Thank you. 25% are living on their own at age 30. So that gives us a good baseline to understand that this task is not easy.
0:06:42 One out of four are successful. I don't have a whole lot of information about, you know, how many of them are in group homes versus are they really living on their own.
0:06:50 It's hard to get the statistics around adulthood and in, um, people with who have made this transition between school and work.
0:06:58 But I'm doing the best I can and there's more and more information. nation. in every day. So what is the reason for the gap?
0:07:06 Why is it that 80% won and only 25% of them have made that transition by age 30? Here's my theory.
0:07:16 I believe that during school, they had a schedule. They had, they picked their classes. They had a syllabus. They had support.
0:07:26 They had all kinds of things that made it easier. And I think the most critical thing that made it easier was they had a clear goal.
0:07:34 I mean it was the diploma that they were after. Sense getting their diploma. Now there's just a ton of choices and the expectations are not that clear.
0:07:46 Their own expectations aren't that clear. Other than I wanted to do what everybody else does, who's my age. Maybe, I'm not sure though, you know, I mean it's still fuzzy, but, and we aren't that clear, really, at least I was.
0:08:01 I wasn't that clear for all these years of exactly what I expected from my autistic graduates. And I'm just gonna call them graduates from now on.
0:08:10 So just so you know. So, um, yeah, we're gonna mute everybody as you come in if you wouldn't mind. I'd appreciate it.
0:08:18 So what is, you know, here's what causes the confusion is just the lack of clarity of what we're really going for and what we expect from ourselves and, and from them.
0:08:28 Alright, so if we can get clear, the idea is maybe we can move better. Let me tell you a little bit about my story.
0:08:34 Um, nine years ago, today, the same night that Bindi Erwin and, uh, Derek Huff were competing for the Mirror Ball trophy at Dancing With The Stars and the, and the, and you know, you probably know the finale is tonight as well.
0:08:52 Nine years ago, I was on my way to the emergency room with sepsis. I had overworked myself. I had over-worried myself.
0:09:00 I had overwhelmed myself. So, I had over focused on getting things done on just on productivity at the expense of my health.
0:09:09 I was doing my life and theirs and I didn't go to the doctor when the, when my body said to go.
0:09:17 Has anyone else had this kind of a moment of truth when the ER doctor says, do you have a DNR?
0:09:26 You know, they do not resuscitate order. I mean, I'll never forget. Yep, yep. As fuzzy as it was that night, I won't forget that feeling of, oh my god, I could die from this.
0:09:39 This is a picture of us on Thanksgiving Day. Um, it's me in my, in that lovely hospital gown hooked up to the IV antibiotics.
0:09:48 And in the corner is my son. He was so anxious. He had no energy left. He had, he worked. He actually worked full time.
0:09:58 But he had, he just got overwhelmed with the Good to me. And he had of that. And he had conflicts at work he couldn't resolve.
0:10:06 And even sexual harassment at work. He just didn't know how to recover from all that work stress. How do I resolve that so that he had more energy?
0:10:18 We both needed a way forward. And here we are now, um, nine years later. I've learned so much. My family's in a better place.
0:10:28 We have two more grandchildren. Although we lost one. The earlier this year. So we've had some tragedy as well in our family who was, he was 32.
0:10:39 Um, so, you know, the, I'm just, we're all just in a much better place. And since, about, since five years ago, and I decided that I was, this was just gonna be my mission.
0:10:53 I was gonna build resilience with autistic young adults and their families so they would earn money and run their own life.
0:11:01 life. So after 300 hours of training, I became a certified heroic coach and I have found that what I've learned there has been so helpful for both me and for my family and for my members inside.
0:11:17 So if you're feeling confused and overwhelmed about what to do next, I get it. Autism adds a degree of difficulty to parenting and to making that transition from school to work to earning money.
0:11:32 And running our own life. But I know we can do this better, faster, easier, together. And that's what I do with my parents.
0:11:40 And they tell me, they seem just so relieved to talk to someone who gets their challenge. So here's how we're going to do today.
0:11:49 This is the roadmap for the call. Here's the, we're going to, I'm going to give you 11 mentor methods. And it's going to follow this, this chart.
0:11:57 We're going to start with understanding the blue triangle. We're going to move to connect. . The purple part of the triangle.
0:12:04 And then we're going to finally end up with the 11th one, um, in the, in the experiment. Alright, I'm just going to mute whoever, just mute.
0:12:15 If you don't mind. I would appreciate it. I'm sorry. I didn't get the tech right. So that you came in muted and it would have been easier for everybody.
0:12:22 Anyway, so here's the question. Okay. I need to become a mentor. But Lynn, that's what I've been doing. I can hear you say this.
0:12:34 I have been mentoring my autistic young adult. I have been doing everything I can to suggest what they can do to advise them on what's next and to criticize or to correct them and ask them to do, you know, something different.
0:12:50 That's what I've been doing. And let me guess. Here's what you've been getting. Arguments, attacks, and avoidance. Because these are natural things.
0:13:01 And we both are doing what's coming natural, what we've been taught to do. So, here's the thing. Umm, when we are an effective mentor to ourselves, we can also be an effective mentor to them.
0:13:18 And you can watch yourself, suggest to yourself, advise yourself, criticize yourself, and then you can also watch yourself argue and attack and avoid.
0:13:28 These are universal, um, universal, very natural actions. That the human brain asks us to do. So, um, this is why I focus on, why I'm different, and I focus on both the parents and the artists in the graduates because we want to practice these methods with ourselves first so that we gain experience and
0:13:52 insights using them. I mean, we need to understand what comes up inside of us when we try to change. And then we share what we've learned.
0:14:02 And with them. Then, you know, if, but only if they are open and give us permission to, to share with them what we've learned.
0:14:19 So that then we can practice together. And that sharing, that vulnerability, that side-by-side is what we mean by mentoring. But wait a minute, Lynn.
0:14:27 I, I, I, You the parent. They're the child. I'm the one with the money. They're the one without it. What, what do you mean that you're going to share and walk side-by-side?
0:14:43 So here's what, how we mentor. We mentor with firm standards and warm support. I promise you this is, this is, um, verified by what science says.
0:14:56 This approach. The firm standards are the, what we expect from them and from ourselves. always. We get clear on what we expect from ourselves and then the warm support because we know that we can't just throw them out and expect them to figure it out.
0:15:13 Or we can't just tell them what to do because then they'll never figure it out on their own. And we also know that we can't just do it for them.
0:15:24 That's, you know, they'll, then they'll never learn it and we will continue with this burden for the, you know, for the foreseeable future, which is going on.
0:15:33 kind of not what we have in mind or we wouldn't be here today because we want them to run their own life.
0:15:37 So how do we center ourselves in that, in that, you know, confident middle place where we know we can handle what's going on inside of us and we know how to help them?
0:15:56 That's what we're after. Okay. So because if we go too far to the extreme Um, either side, we're gonna get that.
0:16:06 We're not gonna get the result we want, which is like, which is a prepared autistic young adult who can handle whatever comes up in their life.
0:16:17 So, okay. Sounds good, Lynn. Let's see what do you mean? How are we supposed to do this? Well, you know, we focus on the things we have control over.
0:16:28 Our effort and our attitude. attitude. That's Stephen Covey's 7 habits of highly effective people. He taught us that many years ago that we can only control ourselves.
0:16:42 We can influence others. And then there's that circle of concern, which is something we're aware of, but we know we can't influence or change.
0:16:55 So we focus on ourselves. We get into that, that peaceful center place, that confident place so that we're a better in influence on them.
0:17:04 Cause they definitely mirror us. I mean, I have absolutely seen the correlation between me being shut down and them being melting down.
0:17:15 If I'm not there, you know, in a good place where I can support, provide that warm support, it just, it's triggering.
0:17:23 It just is. So let's see what we can do to, to get ourselves there. And I just, I want to share with you, I want to introduce you a few of the People inside of my program, um, already Paula and her son, Paula says that they can take a breath now because they're on the same page.
0:17:42 And her son says that he knows how to talk to himself like a friend instead of a bully. And that's critical.
0:17:49 That's, her son is mentoring himself well. And then she's saying the whole household's doing better. So it's just been delightful to be, to work with Paula and her son.
0:18:00 So what is going on? That's now. Six I'm feeling that why do we find this so difficult to do? And the answer is it's the stress cycle.
0:18:09 So something's triggered them and there's an automatic response. The body responds. There's nothing we can do about that. It's natural.
0:18:16 It's normal. And then we resolve the stress. And that's where our responsibility is. This is, we want, this is, this is what we want to focus on is the part that we can control.
0:18:31 How do we resolve the stress cycle? So how do we make sure, how do we do our best to help them resolve the stress in a, in a way that gets them the result they want?
0:18:48 This is how they move from childhood to adulthood. This is how they move from childhood to adulthood. Is when they take responsibility for the resolution of the stress.
0:19:03 . . . Okay, sounds good. Because if I can get them to resolve their stress in an adult way, they will move out of their comfort zone into the fear zone through that to the learning zone and to the growth zone.
0:19:24 Not okay. But what we've found is since they graduated, they are spending so much more of their time in their comfort zone.
0:19:32 Often it's on . . . because when you think about it, it makes sense. I mean, on screens, they can . . they can meet up with people, they can't .
0:19:41 . you know, they're fellow gamers or YouTubers or whatever. Um, and they can be successful there. They know the rules, they're very clear, they're very predictable, they can figure them out.
0:19:54 And, you know, they are getting what they want. They're, they're victorious. On, on line. It makes sense. It's that they're comfortable, but how do we get them then to transition to this, their skills for being successful on, on screens, to being successful, earning their own way and running their own
0:20:15 life? That's the hard part. Alright, so the first thing we need to do when the understand block, the blue block, is we want to, um, understand the impact of having an autistic brain, understand how their world is different from the world.
0:20:33 We show you went through, you know, we were in when we did this transition. I mean, when we, when I was in my twenties, there was no internet, there was, you know, there wasn't even a handheld hair dryer at that time.
0:20:44 I mean, it was a long time ago. So things have significantly changed. I mean, they have the world and all of its opinions and thoughts, and this is my grandson, right in the palm of their hand.
0:20:58 I mean, it's amazing how much that has changed life for them. I'll see you and so yeah, and the people that put the programs on that phone are doing everything they can to keep them there because that's their economic model.
0:21:12 So it makes perfect sense that they're there often. But, but here's, and if, when they're not there, they're stressed. Alright, but this is Stephen Hayes.
0:21:22 He's the father of acceptance and commitment therapy and he tells us that if you aren't willing to fill anxiety as a feeling, you will feel fear.
0:21:33 Here. More, far more anxiety, plus you will begin to live a narrower and more constricted life. This is what we've seen.
0:21:41 They're not willing to do the things that need to be done in order to get what they really do want, which is to, you know, earn money and live on their own, but are meant to run their own life.
0:21:54 Whether it's living on their own or not, that's not, it's just running their own life. They want the control over what's going on in their, in their life.
0:22:01 So, but we have to help. So, oh, So, the help them feel and not fear their feelings. That's the trick.
0:22:11 So that's the first thing is if we, I teach the whole process to help them be willing, more and more willing to feel what's happening inside their body, which is, which is often inspired by what they're thinking.
0:22:25 So their head, what's going on in their head and their heart that's affecting their actions, their effort. And that's what we do in the world.
0:22:34 . inside the art of adulting. So what's the first, the second. So that was the first thing. Become a mentor, both for ourselves and for them.
0:22:43 The second thing is to, um, and I find this to be a keystone skill in the workplace, especially. We have to really listen.
0:22:53 And this is tough. This is part of that transition between the child and the adult again, where as a child, your needs are primary to your parents.
0:23:04 . . And your teachers and they're trying to meet you there and they're trying to give you what you need all the time versus an adult where you listen to yourself and you figure out what you need.
0:23:14 And you listen to others, especially in the workplace, to figure out what it takes to be a high performer, a good performer at work.
0:23:25 This is why I sincerely believe this is the keystone. This is a keystone, um, way to, to mentor them. So, I'm really curious though, let me just stop right now.
0:23:38 Pick a number between one and ten. How well does your graduate, graduate listen to you and others? Just throw it right there in the, I got a one.
0:23:52 I got a two, I got a five, I got a seven. I got a, thanks Margaret. Yeah, this is good.
0:23:58 Joanne. Yeah, yeah. I got a two, six, seven me, two them. I am. That's great, yeah, yeah, six, yep. Oh, this is so super.
0:24:09 Yeah, Lenora sick. Okay. Alright well, we're, we're making some progress. Yes. So we're still in that top triangle where we're really teaching them how to listen.
0:24:18 And here's what we do. We validate what the other persons said. I hear you saying this. That's what we say.
0:24:29 We take it in, we sum it up, we've put it I what it in our own words and we say.
0:24:37 I hear you saying that you'd rather be on screens. I hear you saying that you'd rather be, you love life.
0:24:45 It could just be a range. This happened in one of the in the class the other day. One of the graduates said, you know, I just like it.
0:24:51 If every woman would take care of everything else, all I had to do, all I had time to do was to play my game.
0:24:57 You know, that's what they think, I know. It's like, wow, you know. But um, so, you know, you know, . What we say is, hey, you'd rather be on your game all the time.
0:25:09 Doesn't mean that we think that's the right thing to do or we agree with that approach or any of that.
0:25:15 It's, I understand your perspective. This is where you're coming from. That's your perspective. Now I want you to hear my perspective.
0:25:24 Here's what I am worried about. I'm worried about your future when I'm gone. That you're not going to be able to handle life on your own.
0:25:34 . . and that people might take advantage of you and that you're not going to be able to, you know, navigate the, the ups and downs that are inevitable in life.
0:25:44 So how do we meet in the middle? How do we meet in the middle? You'd like to be on your game all day long and I'd like you to be prepared to be an adult.
0:25:53 How are we going to meet in the middle? It's an en- Have you ever had that quite who's had that question who's had that conversation with their young adult already?
0:26:03 Hey, look I know what you want. I'm going to honor your preferences. I respect you. And at the same time, look, here's where I am.
0:26:10 My runway is not infinite. Yesterday I was in history. Good, exactly. And then, um, was thought, I said exactly that to my 33 year old son all the time.
0:26:22 That's good because if we keep raising this, I mean, you know, this is fact. That's what they'd like and this is what we want.
0:26:29 So let's talk about what's real. And this is, you know, I don't know. One of, one of the things that you might be thinking is, I know what she's going to offer.
0:26:38 She's going to want me to go to these group calls and then she's going to want to do all this other stuff.
0:26:42 And I just don't have time. I get that. And I just wanted to share with you Lisa's perspective. She said she just is, the camaraderie has really helped her.
0:26:52 The listening that she's practicing now helps her connect better with her son and they collaborate better on solutions. So that's what's happening.
0:27:03 And that's what is better. And the benefit to Lisa being inside the art of adulting. Okay. So here's the next one.
0:27:12 They need to focus on ongoing improvement in all parts of their life. But let's focus just on the work world.
0:27:18 Here's how they're going to get paid more than minimum wage. It's if they can offer more value to the employer.
0:27:26 Or if they can start their own online business and continue to offer more to their clients. And I had, we've done it.
0:27:34 I'll on the both inside the art of adulting. We've gotten people jobs and we've started businesses together. So this ongoing improvement question is what they have to answer in order to be paid more.
0:27:47 Cause we know that six, let's just take $15 an hour for the ease, ease of the math. So $15 an hour, even if they worked 40 hours a week, 50 weeks out of the year is still 15 times 20, uh, 2000 hours, which is only $30,000 a year.
0:28:05 . . . that is not enough. We know that. Okay. And who knows what kind of government supports they're going to be getting, particularly in this political climate that we have.
0:28:13 So who knows what kinds of government supports for independence that that are going to be in place? We know, we do know that a good rule of thumb is it's about 60,000 per household.
0:28:24 So if they can maybe they could, they could, if they were willing to work 40 hours a week, uh, pair up with somebody else working 40 hours a week, and then the two of them together could just do .
0:28:35 . share the resources and have 60 grand. I mean, that's the math. All right. But, you know, it's hard to depend on other people.
0:28:43 So I want to do the best that I can to help them add value at the workplace. So how do we get them to do it?
0:28:51 Or do anything for that matter? This is the tool. This is the way right here. It's the three, two, one power up.
0:28:58 So the first thing that is they get really clear on what they want. I have used this tool myself for years.
0:29:05 Uh, Thank you. This is how I built my, my program. What I really wanted was to build resilience with autistic young adults and their families in a pro, in an online program.
0:29:18 And I, all the reasons why I wanted it. I mean, I did this every morning for six months. And I never had the same compelling reason.
0:29:27 There was, there are so many reasons why I want to do this work, including the fact that I want to make the world work.
0:29:35 . . . better for everybody, and I want to be a better person, a better, you know, I want to serve the people that I care about.
0:29:42 You all, as best as I possibly can. And that makes me a better parent as well. Then we add, okay.
0:29:50 What are those three reasons? Why. Then we add, alright, why me? Why am I confident? What's- what is the belief that I have about what I've done in the past that tells me that I can do what I need to do?
0:30:04 Which I've, you know to achieve this goal. And it's all the reasons why, well, I gotta, I got my diploma.
0:30:09 I've had a job, or I've, you know, I've, I've successfully, uh, navigated online courses. Whatever it is, the reasons why they can do what it is.
0:30:19 Okay, and then what is the one thing I'm gonna do today? So that's the three reasons, the two reasons why me and the one reason why, what thing I'm gonna get done today.
0:30:29 And they get real specific about what they're gonna do. And then, thanks together, uhm, And we look at her research and say, she says, you can get prepared for everything, but the sabotaging thoughts are gonna come up.
0:30:43 Things gonna come up. Are you prepared for what's gonna come up? And so we actually ask, okay, what is the pattern in my thinking?
0:30:51 What is the sabotaging, sabotaging thought that comes up? Often it's, I don't wanna, or yuck. I it doesn't have to be, you know, anything complicated.
0:31:04 It can be. . I'd rather be screening, you know, and then what's my helpful response to that? So, yeah, you can screen later.
0:31:15 Look, it's an hour out of your day. You can spend an hour out of your day looking for a job or, or figuring out how to do work online that someone will pay you so you can do the work from home.
0:31:28 That's, you know. So, we, we anticipate in advance the objections that our brains gonna offer us. find and we answer them.
0:31:38 All right, if that's the case then, what do we do with that now? We put it into our doable day.
0:31:43 Our doable day plan is we do that three, two, one power up in the morning every morning, and OK, maybe they'll do it once a week for the first time, but after they start to recognize the power of getting really clear on what they want and why they want it and why they can get it, and what they're gonna
0:32:04 do to get it. and what they're, the brain's gonna offer them. They all start, maybe start doing it more often.
0:32:10 And if we do it, and we share with them how much we have grown and learned and gotten things done because we've been using this tool, it will have the credibility for, you know, for sharing what's, why this is a good idea.
0:32:27 Then they do their one thing and then at the end of the day we say, OK, what did we do well at the end of the day?
0:32:33 And I'll talk more about the what went well part. . . . I think it's way number 11 in just, in just a few minutes.
0:32:39 So, OK. Tracy and her son have been with us for about six months. Most, most of the people, I've done it the average of the people that stay in my program for 13 months.
0:32:52 Um, I've some that stay longer, I've some that stay shorter. So just so you know, it's, it's about that long.
0:32:58 Um, and, and we can, we can make this work. Um, but you can stay longer if you want. I'd love to have you there.
0:33:05 so um, what, what Tracy's seeing is a difference. And you don't always see the difference in exactly what happened, you know, in, in using the things.
0:33:16 Like, I was just talking to one of my parents that, um, to the couple that, whose daughter has been coming regularly to the calls.
0:33:26 And they were saying, you know, something we noticed that has happened since she came to the calls. I said, no, what is that?
0:33:32 She said, she's going out to a meetup group. On her own, on her own initiative. They, that's not anything that she told me she was going to do, but she's doing it.
0:33:45 So this, the idea is if you, if you share with a group of people what you want and, and together you kind of understand that you're, you know, what the challenges are and how, and they, she's, and they see others getting what they want, you never know what action is going to be inspired.
0:34:04 It's, it's an online group that's very, very, you know, they're, they're good people in there and we're all focused on earning money and running our own life.
0:34:13 So, okay, the fourth way in the understand triangle, we're still up in the top blue part, is to self-advocate. We need to be able to advocate for ourselves.
0:34:23 And I'm telling you, this is how we get what we want and this is how they get what they need to do well at work.
0:34:28 They ask. This is the best self-advocacy formula. I'm Ever seen, it's by Dr. Megan Anna Neff. She is a late diagnosed autistic ADHD year with two children and a PhD and a therapy practice.
0:34:47 She's the best explainer of what it's like to have a brain with, you know, an autistic brain that I've ever met.
0:34:52 And she says you do not have to disclose that you have autism at work or anywhere else. If you don't want to, you just need to describe the situation.
0:35:01 Well, you don't have to describe the situation. You can just ask for what you want. Right. Bye bye. It's more likely that people are going to give you what you want if you explain what's going on.
0:35:10 So the situation can be as simple as I have found that I am a much more consistent, uh, worker, uh, especially doing multi-step tasks if I have them in writing.
0:35:24 So may I have your permission to transcribe with my phone, the app on my phone, you just, you describing exactly what I need to do.
0:35:34 I will turn that into a checklist that I to get out of or keep on my phone so that I can regularly complete all the tasks that are necessary when I'm closing up the kitchen or whatever it is that they're doing for, um, for the work providing value.
0:35:48 This worked for one of my autistic graduates to get what, to, to just understand exactly what they needed to do in order to meet the expectations and become a valuable member of the team at work and that's what's happened.
0:36:05 so okay, we're gonna just summarize here, we need to become a mentor both for them and for ourselves, we need to listen to them, we need to listen to ourselves, we need to look at ongoing improvement ourselves and help them recognize where they can improve or just do whatever we can do and we use the
0:36:26 self-advocacy formula to get what we need. So, which of these first four, um, methods rings true? . . to you. So, just put a number in the chat.
0:36:41 If it's one, become a mentor, two, let's listen, three, um, ongoing improvement or four self-advocacy. Okay, I'm getting a three there.
0:36:51 And the woman I mentioned in the, um, the workbook that I gave you is that formula, that self-advocacy formula, and on that slide inside the workbook is the name of Dr .
0:37:06 . . Dr. Meghan Annaneth is right there. And you just Google her and you will never be sorry. Get on her email list.
0:37:11 She's so insightful. Okay, so number two, I is, is one, three, four, two, three, three. Okay. Yeah, it looks like, yeah.
0:37:22 Okay, good. All of them. Yeah. How do I get the workbook? If you check the last three emails I sent you, the links are in those emails.
0:37:32 If you can't find them, email me. Lin at Lin. He is in coach Davison, D-A-V-I-S-O-N dot com. And I will make sure you have that.
0:37:44 Yeah, having a structured plan. Yes. Yes, especially for their day. Yes. They need the structure because they had the structure at school.
0:37:51 They don't have it now and creating it for themselves. They need the instructions, the step-by-step instructions how to do that.
0:37:58 And that's what the three to one plus the doable day gives them. Alright, so now we're going to go to the, um, purple part.
0:38:05 And this is the first connection piece where they need to set. It's actually, we need to set our own expectations.
0:38:13 See, so it's set our own act, not theirs, but our own expectations. If we set them from the outside, we're going to get frustrated because they're going to, they may not meet.
0:38:27 They may not match what really matters to us inside. We need to set our own expectations for what's inside. And this is what we help them.
0:38:39 I'm going to suggest to you that some people like to have a 5-year plan and they have this vision of where they want to be, and the best I can do is to earn my own money and run my own life.
0:38:53 That's my 5-year plan. But if that overwhelms you, which it did me, I want to suggest that my life GPS is the answer to that.
0:39:05 because I because I invested a lot of into the 20 years ago, more than 20 years ago after 9-11 when I was just feeling so devastated by all of the tragedy of that day and overwhelmed by the fact that all of our kids were then diagnosed with some, every, all 6 of them, all 6 kids, had some form of neurodiversity
0:39:27 , so, and a lot of my autistics. So, okay. Um, I just, I just, just put my life into this life GPS.
0:39:37 And decided I was going to get it all done. Well, yeah. I had to notice that, you know, productivity was my, was my, uh, my muse, and unfortunately what happened was I ignored my health in the name of productivity, but after I came out of the hospital, I went, And then that's what they need.
0:40:02 They need to look at their whole life. And that's where the life GPS started. When my son said that therapist wasn't helping him and he was, he was contemplating suicide.
0:40:11 I said, okay, we have to figure this out. And we started to walk every day at five o'clock. It helped me stop working and it helped him to talk.
0:40:20 When we were walking side by side and it was, this is Rochester, New York. It gets cold. It was the hoods.
0:40:27 It was the mittens. It was the boots. We walked every day for a few years. Every day after work. And he talked.
0:40:36 And I learned that. How to listen. So when I tell you that first keystone is listening, I had to learn how to zip pile up and listen to him without suggesting advising and correcting.
0:40:49 That was hard. Because the minute I did this suggesting advising and correcting, I got the arguments, the, umm, you know, the attacking and the, and the avoiding.
0:40:59 I knew I had to figure out a better way and it was the mentoring way. So when we set our own expectations, you know, umm, This is the best tool in the world that they need and they can keep it on their phone so that they take, you take the monkey of responsibility off of your shoulders and give it to
0:41:20 them. That's the goal of the Life GPS. But it's not gonna happen overnight. I know that. But I'm gonna tell you, this is the best tool where, it's where we take all of what's happened in our life and put it into these 10 domains.
0:41:35 Alright. Alright. So, So, why? Well, first so we can say yes to what we want and no to what we don't want, because what's different about them versus their, their child, their transition to the work world versus ours is they have way more choices than we had.
0:41:51 I mean, if I wanted to find out some piece of information I had to get on my bike and write it to the library, they just go write to their phone and ask Google or AI or whoever it is and they get an answer.
0:42:02 It's just, it's so much, it's so different for them. So, uhm, uhm, Oh. This is what I want to give to you.
0:42:11 It's my mission that you have this tool, because whether we work together or not, this is gonna be the way that's gonna help you figure out what they want to do next and what you want to do next.
0:42:25 So, listen, I blocked off my calendar for tomorrow, so I'm gonna give you the link at the end to schedule an appointment with me.
0:42:32 I blocked off the calendar until I just opened it up, so I've got an ope- open day tomorrow to talk to whoever can, um, find a time that works for them.
0:42:42 Now, listen, at first glance, all ten categories this may look like a lot, but it's not, because we focus on what they've done well, what they want next, and what they can see themselves do.
0:42:57 And if they say I don't know, then we move on to the next one. It's not a problem. We can do this together in about 20 minutes.
0:43:03 I can do it with your autistic graduate if they are not interested in coming. I can do it with you, so you finally have a place to park all of your concerns.
0:43:14 You can finally write a note inside your life GPS of the last time they had the meltdown, what category it applied to, and what it was about so that you can talk to them when they are in a good place about what you want to do to prevent, you know, to decondition the trigger that got them melting down
0:43:31 , what you could do and what they could do, the two of you together. How are we going to solve this?
0:43:35 How are we going to collaborate together and go with . forward? We know what to do next because we've put ours together and they know what to do next because they have theirs and we both have it on our phone, so whenever anything comes up we can just add right to it.
0:43:49 It's either a document or you use an app like Google Tasks, one or the other that you can access on your phone.
0:43:57 And I'll start, get you started. So, um, I'll give you the place to sign up in just a minute. Here's, here's what, um, Wolf and Jerry said, they said that they need to be needed to understand their child, their, their graduate better.
0:44:11 And they had really, I mean, these are very, Wolf was, was a principal of a high school and he's so, he's used to dealing with young adults.
0:44:20 And Jerry, um, has, they're just an amazing family who's adopted kids and that's where all of our kids come from is from that option.
0:44:30 So, um, you know, they were really despairing because they just couldn't make the The progress that they had hoped to and the good news is that by following the, you know, the three habits and coming inside the art of adulting, they have made progress.
0:44:46 So, let's talk about what the sixth way is. We want to notice our attitude and our efforts. Both ours, what's going on inside of our head and our hearts that's influencing our actions and what's the same thing for them, what's going on in their heads and their hearts so that they know what's going why
0:45:08 they are or aren't doing the actions that they, that they need. So, here's the question I have for you on the connection piece.
0:45:17 Okay, one thing I've noticed in myself and in all the humans that I deal with is that we have a lot of judgment whether something is good or bad.
0:45:28 And the common thought is if only they didn't have autism. So, my question is what if we dropped that thought?
0:45:44 What if we dropped the thought that something is wrong because they have autism? This just might be the tipping point.
0:45:56 I mean, it was for me. I mean, it really affected me when I finally questioned myself. Because I've read, I noticed that I was, you know, if only they were your day.
0:46:07 Different I would feel better. Is that in you? Do you see that? Yeah, that hits hard. Yes, yeah, it does.
0:46:26 It, it, it hits me and it, and it still hits me and it just feels awful. I noticed that when I argue with that reality, I'm not.
0:46:38 I lose. There's nothing I can, nothing that's going to change. And I love them so much. And I want to unconditionally love them.
0:46:50 And I want them to feel my unconditional love. I want them to know that. I mean, if we just choose to accept the fact that they are autistic, And, uhm, see the potential inside.
0:47:12 Let me give you the tool. It's called the gain. And I promise you that I have practiced it every day for about five years.
0:47:23 This is the way that I keep my toothpaste and I remind myself every time I brush my teeth to think about the gain.
0:47:30 Alright? And the gain is, was developed by, uh, a pediatric oncologist. Who was noticing that the people that he worked with were having trouble, um, you know, handling the stress that comes from helping children with cancer and their families.
0:47:52 And I figured, you know, and I learned about it and practiced it myself and I figure if it helps the people who are treating kids with cancer, it's gonna help us to accept reality.
0:48:04 So here's what we do. We start with gratitude. I'll see you next time. We've heard that. We move to acceptance, okay, this is the way things are.
0:48:14 We focus on our attention, intention, what's our expectation of ourselves, and we move into non-judgment. And if you have a chance to get his book, Greg Hammer, you will never regret learning more about this practice.
0:48:31 And, and, and there are more practices like this that are, I don't know, this is the one that has, Yes.
0:48:38 Yes. Then the most useful for me. All right. And I promised I'd share you the good, share the good stuff with you.
0:48:44 So, the seventh thing, the seventh mentor method is compassion versus catastrophizing. Have you noticed, put it in the thought that we go to the hypothetical hell?
0:49:00 We think they're never going to be okay on their own. They're going to be alone. They're going to, um, not be in a safe way.
0:49:08 . They're not going to have a safe home. They're not going to have good food. They're not going to have reliable transportation to work.
0:49:14 And they're not going to have any money left over to do what they want. And it's just going to be horrible.
0:49:21 Right? Tell me, I'm sure this happens in your heads. We go to the Catastro and they do too. They say, people are going to make fun of me.
0:49:32 You know, people are going to make fun of who I am. It's happened before to the catastrophizing. Um, can you imagine being in a high school or a school system where they are 3% at best of the population and everybody else, the whole system is geared toward that middle of the bell shaped curve and they
0:49:52 don't fit inside that middle of the bell shaped curve. They learn differently. They, um, they their sensory processing is different.
0:50:01 They, their executive function is different. All those things are different about them. them. Yeah, it makes sense that they're going to go to the catastrophic future.
0:50:14 Okay, so what do we do about that? Here's the tool. We notice our thoughts. We normalize by accepting them that they are human, that we are going to go to the, to, to not being safe, to guarding our resources and to missing out.
0:50:28 That's what our brains going to offer us every time. And then we neutralize it. What happened or what somebody said or the look they gave.
0:50:38 Me, and instead of catastrophizing, you know, what the impact that they have. It's just, we just do our best to just neutralize it by looking at the facts.
0:50:49 They said these words. Their face looked like that. And take a picture of it. And then we breathe and then find our next step.
0:50:58 Their next thing to do. Yes. No worries. Yeah, don't worry. Your doctor's, your fine Sheila. Oh hi Sheila. Yes, this is great.
0:51:08 Yeah, being able to live on their own. Yeah, it's good to see you again. Yeah, there's a replay. You'll get the link, I promise.
0:51:14 I'm recording it as we speak. Alright, so this is the process we go through and we practice, not just for them, but for us too.
0:51:22 And this is, um, Henny who says that, you know, listening is it. And I understand what's going on. And they make step, they make improvements one step at a time and their family has benefited from working with me.
0:51:35 Because here's the thing. We're not going to change overnight. They're not going to change overnight. Our habits have been in place and we're going to keep going, we're going to keep practicing that pattern, you know, for a while until we act on it.
0:51:49 And this is because, alright, here we are going along at the, at the top of the, of the, this little curve.
0:51:55 Then we meet, uh, you know, some kind of an event that makes us want to get better and we fall into the whole, you know, the youth shaped, oh my God, life is just going to be awful.
0:52:06 You know, and we feel like, just kind of stumble into the abyss in the bottom where we're in that river of misery.
0:52:13 And then we figure out, oh, this idea might help. That's the balloon. And we start crawling out of the abyss, trying to make it more a part of what we do.
0:52:23 And it's not going to happen overnight. It's going to be 10% at first, then maybe 20, then maybe 30, until we walk out of there victorious.
0:52:31 And you'll notice that's my logo is this victorious thing after we've set the GPS. That's what my logo means to you.
0:52:37 you. So, This is what we want to do. We want to keep noticing that it's going to take us time.
0:52:46 It's not going to happen overnight. Alright, so those are the connect mentoring methods. We notice whose expectations we're talking about.
0:52:57 We, you know, tune into our own attitude and effort. And we have compassion with ourselves. No, no one would wish the challenges of autism on anyone that we love, but we've got them.
0:53:11 And versus the catastrophe, you know, of what, you know, that hypothetical hell that could happen, well, we believe that we have the power to make things better for ourselves and for our family and the patients that that's going to require because it's not going to happen overnight.
0:53:29 And the timeline is different. It's not going to be, they're not going to, they didn't follow the typical developmental timeline in school.
0:53:36 They're not going to follow the typical developmental Yeah. timeline in the work world either. So number nine is we minimize the procrastination.
0:53:47 How do we do that? This is really cool. Cause it's just a matter of motivation undercut by resistance. So how can we figure that out?
0:53:56 And there's a fellow named Pierce Steel who wrote the most brilliant equation. And, um, that, okay, their motivation comes from their confidence times how important it is.
0:54:07 Say 10 times 1- 9- and they're at 100. They're at the maximum motivation. And their resistance is determined by how difficult they perceive the next action to be and how far away the benefit of that action will be.
0:54:21 So if they think it's easy, it's a 1 and the delay, they're going to get immediate gratification. That's a 1 divided times 1.
0:54:28 So we got 100 divided by 1 is the maximum motivation. The better we understand the thoughts and emotions that are happening to determine the confidence and importance.
0:54:38 importance. And the difficulty and the delay, the more we can understand how to help them move, where their procrastination is and what we can do to move from there.
0:54:49 Then number 10. This is again, this is, we're now in the experiment part of the triangle. We're in that gray shaded part.
0:54:59 This is where we use our strengths. And this is relatively easy and an amazing insight. side of my face. My favorite way to do this is to go to 16personalities.com, get the four letters, the fifth letter, I don't know what that is all about.
0:55:17 I've been studying the Myers-Briggs, um, which is what this, they imitate, is based on it since the 80s. And then you take those four letters and you put them in Google and you say those four letters plus their strengths and Google will give you a list of the strengths that they have.
0:55:33 It's, it's amazingly accurate and insightful. So, then I, um, Thank you. I figure out, I figured out, oh, I've got to know this stuff like, cold.
0:55:43 So I just took the first three initials of my name, of my name's Lynn, Carrie, Davison, L, co, Lynn is for loving, C is for, is for curiosity and D is for determination.
0:55:56 Those are my strengths. I love, I, I love to love. I'm very curious about, you know, what's the best way, and I'm very determined to do it.
0:56:06 So, imagine them in the first . . . an interview, and the interviewer asked the classic question, what are your strengths, and they can answer it, answer them.
0:56:19 Well, my and are one, two, and three, and here's examples, and here's why I love using them. Imagine that. How much better they would be, how much more comfortable they would be in an interview if they could just answer that question.
0:56:34 And then the opposite that is going to be asked too, okay, well then what are your weaknesses? And you just just say.
0:56:39 Oh, my strengths or my weaknesses carried to an extreme. Sometimes I'm too loving. I do too much. Good to know.
0:56:47 Sometimes I'm too curious, and I spend all my time doing research and I miss the moment. Sometimes I'm so determined I don't always have as much fun as I need to have.
0:56:57 You can see how this tool is so amazing for them. And then remember how I talked about what went well at the end of their day?
0:57:06 They look at what, how did they use their strengths? Thanks. That day. That's how we figure out what went well in the day.
0:57:13 So my loving, curious, and determined is how I remind myself I go through the rest through my day and I write down what did I do well in my notes app.
0:57:22 It takes me about half a minute. What I did that was loving, what I learned, you know, that was fueled by my curiosity and where my determination helped me get something done.
0:57:33 And I put that in that doable day. That's that last part. What went well. Alright. And this is what Kathy said.
0:57:41 She said, um, we have part of the program. I have a one on one with you or your autistic adult or both of you or however you want to do it once a month.
0:57:51 And we had a conversation and it helped propel her autistic young adult to actually apply for additional work because the current job that he had was only 12 hours a week and we did the math and 12 hours a week of work isn't going to get him what he needs in order to be prepared to live life on his own
0:58:08 . So here's the the last one, but I'm going to give you a bonus because I just, I just can't help myself.
0:58:16 So this is the review process again. This is the tool the graduates use every day. We use this. They use this.
0:58:24 Everyone use this tool because we want to look at what did we do well. What could we do better and what could we do next?
0:58:30 Oh my gosh, I only have one minute. Alright, and the extra tool is to remind ourselves that we are here.
0:58:37 That's the little person. And we are always We'll see you just looking for the ideal point and we can focus on the gap.
0:58:43 We have to remind ourselves to focus on what we have done already, the gain. And that will keep us, our attitude and our effort in a good place.
0:58:52 And that's what happened when Lisa joins the group. She really, um, has learned and felt supported finally. So of these last three, which one sounds good?
0:59:05 Which one sounds like something you could use? Just put it in the chat. I would love to hear from you.
0:59:13 So, look, my number ten. Okay, good. Yeah, Lenore, nine. Good. Yes, Mary, ten. Good. All three. Thanks Nancy. Oh! That's my reminder that we're out of time and also I have to change the laundry from the washer to the dryer.
0:59:29 Please come see me. Um, you could use a mentor and they could use another adult mentor. That's what one of our graduates said.
0:59:39 Look, I have a trouble figuring life out. That's what I get from this group. So please, talk to Len.com will create their life GPS together.
0:59:48 There's no obligation, no pressure on the call. Just come see me. Choose a time to talk. Thank you for being here.
0:59:59 Uh, I kept up. Oh, no, I'm right on time. According to my clock, I will send you out the link to this replay and all the other goodies.
1:00:06 And it's just a such a pleasure to meet you. Thank you all. . . Bye for now.
