hi, it's Lynn, your adulting coach.
After more than 40 years raising alternative Learners, I have faced my share of resistance. Even when I know that if they would just take advantage of this opportunity they could get what they want.
I also hear parents ask me how do I get them to participate in the Art of Adulting. It sounds exactly like what they need, but I'm not sure they'll even show up.
it's still the three steps:
* We understand what's going on,
* We connect with them in a meaningful way so we better understand what's going on inside of them.
* And then we practice together tackling the the resistance, the struggles in a way that works for them so that they realize they can get what they want.
We want to do this especially now while they're still with us and it's not the end of our runway yet.
So we start with understanding. Here's a great list of what autistic people need regardless of their age:
* They want to be productive
* They want to be efficient
* They want things to be predictable in their lives
* They want to be certain of what's going to happen next
* They want people to be very clear in whatever they're explaining because it just makes it so much easier for them to do what needs to get done
* They want to have someone they can trust to listen to what they're what's happening with them so that they can separate out you know what it is that's happening, what are the thoughts, what are the emotions what should I do next what are my options. It's just really helpful that they have someone to sort out their thinking.
* They want a side by-side cognitive interpreter. Sometimes that means that if they're trying to figure out how to get online to look at their paystub through this provider that isn't clear at all to them. How do we navigate the steps to get in and get a copy of the paystub that they've had because nothing comes in the mail anymore.
* They want time to process whatever's gone on. They need time to sort through and think through and feel through all of what's happened. If we rush them it's to our peril.
* There's an underlying drive for authenticity with my graduates. They want what they want. They don't want what I want for them. Tt's really important that they find a match that it is their idea of what they want, not my imposition of what I want for them.
* It really does help them to have a road map, a framework, a way to sort out all the complexities of life because there's so much going on when you're facing that tricky transition from being school-defined to being self-defined to being self-sufficient, self-reliant, creating your own self-direction in life.
This is a tricky transition and you know we were kind of awkward ourselves during this transition, so we definitely understand what's going on.
So often they fall into, you know we all fall into protection mode.
When we look at our thought grooves, they're there for reason. They were installed, just like the programming on our phone was installed, to make sure that we can operate, make sure that we're safe, make sure that we guard our resources, make sure that we don't miss out on the benefits of the group.
There's some programming that just came in our brains and it's what's helped our species survive for so long and populate the world.
When they're in protection mode, and when we're in protection mode, we often avoid, we argue or we attack. It's just what happens.
When we're in that protection mode, we're going down this thought groove that’s been in our brain from the very beginning. We're trying to figure out what's wrong with us, what's wrong with them, or what's wrong with our life. Those three things are always the things that we're facing.
Adrenaline and cortisol are shot through our system by our brain that knows enough to tell the rest of our the body to secrete the hormones. Let's keep in mind that it's like boiling water. It takes a while for that adrenaline to get hyped up, it does heat up, but it takes a lot longer for things to settle back down again.
It's just like boiling water. If we don't get the temperature all the way back down to you know cold again, it will boil again faster, even more quickly. So if we it was boiling 20 minutes ago, then we started to let it cool off, and now we're going to bring it to boil again it's going to happen even faster this time.
So remember that when we go into fight or flight, or our graduates go into fight our flight, the adrenaline and cortisol are still flooding our bodies.
To get out of that stress cycle really does take physical action, it’s movement. Our body thinks that tiger is facing us and we need to either fight the tiger or run away.
To get over this activation. if we just still sit still and focus, we're forcing our bodies to go against its regular physiology. We need to move in those moments to finish that stress cycle, right?
So let's just keep in mind when we see that protection mode it's not the best time to solve for the problem we want to try to get to connection. We can all approach and outsmart the struggle together. Our goal is to keep out of fight or flight and to do what we can to help them stay out of fight or flight so that we can work things through together.
So here are some of the things that have helped me over these 42 years. Don't even think that I'm suggesting for a moment that I have done all these things for the last 42 years and I'm really good at it. I'm not. I'm discovering these things just as you have been all along but I've been really focusing on giving the best options to my parents inside the Art of Adulting and to my graduates inside of the Art of Adulting for the last five years so I'm starting to really hone in on what I've learned worked. A lot of it became intuitive after a while but now I'm bringing it to my consciousness and laying it out for you.
1 The first thing and we want to reframe that all of our reactions are coming from anxiety, from fear, from fight or flight. Just notice that's often what's going on. Our judge thought grooves are taking us down this path, “Oh, something's wrong with us, something's wrong with them, or something's wrong with our life.” I don't know where those balloons come from but we're going to go with them.
2 The second thing that I have learned is that it's most important to build relationships. The relationship is at the top. When I almost died from sepsis and my son was contemplating suicide the best thing we did was connect with each other. The best thing we did was walk five days a week, walk and talk five days a week to rework our relationship so that we could trust each other and could share and be vulnerable with each other. It made all the difference in the world. That's this is what I always go to first.
3 If things are are tough, I need to notice my own energy as well as theirs like I need to attune into myself. What's my thought? What is my emotion? What kind of reaction is that creating? Then what are the results from those reactions, those actions or inactions? I need to really always notice what's going on inside of me because I know that if I don't they're going to pick up on it in a second. So if I'm frustrated with them they're going to get frustrated with me.
4 I need to make sure also that I monitor my communications. I try to be super aware of the demands that I place on them. Even if it's like a sideways demand where I ask, “What's your plan for this afternoon?” It's kind of a demand for a response. So I have really learned to stick with statements and to neutralize them as much as possible.
5 Sometimes it's just best to be quiet and let them speak first and just respond. If we let them lead the conversation then they will gain more and more confidence as a leader leading their own thoughts and their own lives. I really sometimes just need to zip my lips. I certainly had to learn that in our walks. My suggestions advice and critiques were not being helpful. What I really needed to do is just respond to what was going on with them.
6 I also learned that pruning my demands made a lot of sense to to address whatever resistance comes up. If I can make it as small as possible, a mini step toward a bigger goal, that works better than trying to tackle the whole thing at once.
7 If we can take this more of a collaborative approach,
8 If we can just simplify the environment. I can think of a lot of ways where I I've simplified the even the food. Our grocery list is simple, our meal plan is simple, there's still the odd holiday where we cook a bigger meal but Monday is Meatloaf and Tuesday is Tacos so just so you know that's what goes on in my house/
9 If I really can anticipate and recognize whatever signs of stress they have and just pull myself back. Generally they they're not always aware of what's going on inside. So if if I can notice it first, and just breathe while they're there. I breathe in like Buddha with my belly My Buddha belly and then out like Mona Lisa with a slight smile that signals to my body to settle down. I if I recognize their signs and my signs. It really helps to keep us both in that centered place where we're going to really connect.
10 Whatever I can do to help meet their sensory needs. If we make sure that the food is predictable. If we make sure that the clothing that they wear is comfortable. If we make sure that their bedding is their favorite, if it's a weighted blanket or however many stuffed animals they want. Whatever it is, I make sure that they have it within reason. I do the vacuuming because the loud noise bothers them, but they do the mopping and the bathrooms. Somehow if we divvy up the responsibilities taking into account their sensory needs it just it just shows that I care and I don't know it just helps I think it really just helps them recognize that I'm doing the best I can to help out.It's still their responsibility to get those tasks done.
11 At the end of the day, especially at the end of the work day, even if they're not working full-time, it's really important for me to let them recover and finish that stress cycle. We know that being among a lot of people, which is what they tend to do because they tend to get service jobs, and they tend to have to you know deal with other humans, when they come home, their nervous system is pretty can be pretty stimulated. If we can let them finish the stress cycle by movement, that's my favorite, or taking a nap or listening to music and just giving them some space I found that that really matters
12 I I love these two acronyms. I like to go slow and warm in my conversations. I like to make sure that I've done whatever I can to help them feel safe to let them know that I love them that I'm optimistic about their future and warm. I want to be their Mentor I want them to come and consult with me whenever they're facing a challenge because I know that I have their best interests at heart.
I also want to make sure that they have a we have a warm conversation which means that I'm using my wise mind, that I am actively helping them that I'm reflecting what they're saying both the emotion and the thought and that I'm just going to do the best I can to Mentor.
I have a way of framing things up in my head and this is part of The Art of Adulting and I can teach you more about that when you're in there.
13 I also ask them what's the best thing for you what do you think what's worked for you in the past. I try not to ask a question because I've learned that questions aren't as good as statements. “Tell me uh tell me about what's worked for you.” I’d love to know what you're thinking.” “Please share what you're considering.”
Maybe a change in the day would be best.. They could do their laundry instead of this day would this m day make more sense now that they have a different work schedule.
The bottom line is how can I raise some of the issues in as neutral a way as possible and let them decide. That's the best way that I have found to reduce the resistance.
14 Incorporating their intense interests always helps um you know stuffed animals and baby animals are one of my graduates intense interests. Ttelling stories and writing is another one of my graduates top interests.
So whenever I can relate to them on those levels I do my best to do that.
15 Sometimes there's a reward. It can be just a playful reward. “Well I'll do this for you but you owe me.” “I’ll take this garbage out of your room for you but you owe me one. We kind of play around in it.
But of course everybody's interested in what's in it for them so the more we can directly tell them that.
“Look, if you go to some of the the calls the support calls if you go to some of the if you look at some of the stuff inside, I would love to do it with you.” “We can talk about it together, so that maybe a reward is a is a sharing of our learnings together.
Here’s what I know does not work.
1 I can't take their behavior personally. Whatever the words are or whatever the actions are, I choose whether I'm going to let them come in me or not. Sometimes I just picture the words and I just let them drop to the ground. I just don't take it personally. I know that things that are said and done in an in a um you know in a hasty way really don't reflect me or what my intentions are are so I do my best not to take what happens personally
2 I also do my best not to label it. “Well that was lazy,” “Well, that was inconsiderate.” That was disrespectful.” “That was rude.”
I do my best to drop the labels as well. I have found that it's much better if I just state the facts. If I look at the situation and think, “These are the words they said,” I do my best to remember them. I'm not very literal about that way so I can't always exactly remember what they’ve said. But if I can just you know get to the facts and then figure out how I choose to think about it.
We do that all the time in The Art of Adulting using STEAR Maps.
3 I don't I found that giving an ultimatum never works. It's just not worth the hassle. “If you don't I'm going to do this,” sets us up to battle.
Sometimes I say I do set a boundary which looks like, “If this happens this is what we’re going to do. For example, “If you have a car accident, a fender bender, you're going to pay for it. We'll work out the terms of the payback but just know that that's what's going to happen.
It's not an ultimatum, it's more of, “Hey if this happens, this is what's going to happen next.
4 I try my best not to bombard them with questions. I find that really puts them in protection mode, puts them on guard and doesn't give them time to process. So it just is never a good thing.
5 I really do my best not to yell. I have been working on this nonstop for a good decade now and I think I've got a much better handle on it. Bt I did just a couple weeks ago. I found myself going off and raising my voice. It just it never pays off. The price I pay for yelling is always bigger than what I was trying to fix in the first place. I just find that that's a not non-negotiable with me anymore with our kid with our families. It just doesn't work.
6 I don't try to grab control from them. I always try to make it an us thing. Trying to grab control will definitely threatens their autonomy and their authenticity and autonomy.
so I've learned to use, “We're doing it this way or the highway,” only in emergency situations where we're all needing to be safe or something. I just do my best not to take control but do the best I can to collaborate.
7 I never try to solve during a meltdown or shutdown because that's when the brain is the prefrontal cortex, that thinking part of our brain, has gone offline. There's no way we're going to figure it out. The best thing I do during a meltdown is just sit by them and jbreathe with them and reflect their emotions and do my best to just be present without any judgment.
8 They call me out on this one. if I ever talk down to them, they say, “You know I hate that!” So I know that talking down isn't ever going to get what I want done.
Our goal is to understand what's going on inside, connect and practice what works for them so that they can do each of these things for themselves when we're gone.
So welcome to The Art of Adulting where we move from despair and frustration to empowerment through self-reflection and action.
This is how we solve the resistance problem.
I can give you a lot more examples, I’ve given you of a high level description of what we do.
The bottom line is that there are many pathways to success.
I offer strategies and scripts and support inside The Art of Adulting.
They can be accessed many ways.
- They can come to the support calls
- They can send me an email and I will send them a video
- They can even you know just text me. I will respond as much as I can to the graduates because I know that if they're asking for help that took a lot of courage on their part and I want to match their courage with my steadfast support.
To that's where I am and just I know that everyone makes progress in their own way. We have a number of families and they do things in different ways but we can figure it out together. I’d really love to see you inside.
I just want to leave you with this one thought and that is that I know it's not my fault that my graduates struggle but I am determined to create a home environment that supports their growth so that they can flourish on their own someday.
I hope you join me inside The Art of Adulting.
Bye for now.
