Hi, it's Lynn, your adulting coach.
When we're unhappy with something our autistic graduate did or didn't do, or we're just not in harmony with them, what can we do to get back to that state of connection?
We all go through these three places in our relationships. We're in disharmony, we talk about things and repair and we go back to connection.
But what are the steps? How do we do this?
The first thing we do before we take any steps is we remember that we love this person. Our graduate is the sun and the moon and the stars. We love them all the way down to their toes. We really want to flourish with them together. We want a strong connection.
If we're not there, if we're kind of in that agitated state where the ticker tape parade in our head is complaining about them and worrying about the future those catastrophes that are so likely to occur.
Let's just take a break before we get started, walk around the block, have a cup of tea, work out whatever it is to get ourselves back to our heart center.
And then we approach them and say, Hey, there's something on my mind I want to share with you. Is now a good time? We invite them. If it's not a good time for them, fine. We ask them again at another time. When we ask them. "Would this afternoon on our walk that we take together every afternoon? Would that be a good time?" Yes? Okay. Let's make sure that we negotiate a good time when we're both in that heart center space.
1 Then, the first step is What? We present the facts. We say, "Hey, the garbage cans went out nicely on Sunday, but they stayed at the end of the driveway until Wednesday. I had to remind you to bring them in."
2 The second step is So what? These are my thoughts. "I don't like to have to do that. I don't want to have to remind you to do you know that simple chore. If you look out the window, if you're at the kitchen sink, which I know you've been because you're making your food, you can see them at the end of the driveway. Let's get them into the house. They're part of the process that I use to throw garbage out and do the recycling. They can't sit at the end of the driveway for days." So those are my thoughts. That's the story that I'm making up here.
3 The third step describes our feelings. "And that makes me feel...?" What are the emotions? "That makes me feel so disappointed. This is something you've done for a while now and I feel like we're falling back into bad habits. And it really makes me worry about when you're living with other people, when you're on your own someday. Are they going to be able to rely on you to do your part, to give your part to the team? In our case to do your part for the family? I just I worry about that. A lot."
4 So then the fourth step is So what (action)?. Here's the action you want to see. You want to have them this part prepared. "So what I really want to see happen is this the garbage goes out on Sunday and come back on Monday, you know by the end of the day without a reminder." We state clearly exactly the behaviors that we want to see. It's not a negotiation. "The garbage goes out on Sunday by nine o'clock. I want the cans, the totes or the cans back in the garage by the end of the day, before five o'clock. And I don't want to have to remind you.
All right, we've been very specific and now what we talked about how that's gonna go and we reflect and we hear their concerns. We say yes, and I really want these three things. I mean, we may have to re-assert several times in the conversation but we keep it simple. Three things: garbage out on Sunday, back in the garage by five on Tuesday. Without reminders. Now we know what that result is.
5 So what (result)? All right. So let's say you had this conversation and everything went well. You've complained constructively so that you can respectfully create a solution or resolution for both of you. Good for you.
Here's the epilogue. Okay, Sunday came up. The garbage went out fine. You didn't have to remind them it was before the nine o'clock and then Monday. The totes stayed there. And they were still there on Tuesday. And you said, hey, the garbage cans are still at the end of the driveway. And it's Tuesday. You made a statement of the facts.
They were grouchy and they didn't want to hear about it. They stormed off to their room, slammed the door. Good day for you. Not such a good day for your graduate.
Here's what to keep in mind. You did your best. I mean, we do what we hope will work. And we keep experimenting until we figure it out.
I've found this five step process really works for me and for my family. And I'm teaching those steps to them so they can tell me what bothers them about me. Constructive complaining works both ways. I think it's a great approach.
I would love to hear your thoughts please drop a comment in under this video. And if you like what you're hearing, subscribe to my channel. Bye for now.
